Happy Beginnings...?

Okay, so here I am... in a state of panic. As Normal(?)
Robert miraculusly got released from prison(YAY!) but it's not making the diffence I thought it would. Even though I told myself that things were going to be of slow change, and to not expect him to just leave jail and then life is great....I still sort of hoped that would be the case. But, in fact in my opinion, things are getting worse!
The only good thing is that he gets to see the kids. Which, of course, is something long overdue. Now they know him, and love him, and...don't get to see him as often as they or myself like to.
He has to stay with his cousin's cousin, because I couldn't afford to pay my phone bill, and the only day we get to see him is on a saturday, and that's if we're lucky. I don't even have the chance to talk to him on the phone daily, because his cousin's a jerk, she won't let him use the phone as often as he likes. He can't get a job because he doesn't have a work permit(it's pending, but with it being from immigration, it's taking forever!) and he keeps putting off talking about the future, because he's too concerned with his status from immigration. UGH! It's like, he's not even here, most of the time. I figured that there was going to be some kind of restrictions on him because of the whole immigration issue, but dang! Not all this!
I'm trying, I'm trying sooo hard to be the positive future wife to be. All I do is uplift him and give him encouraging words whenever we meet. But I'm not really getting much encouragement of any kind from anyone. My family hates him, and so does my best friend. I know it's God's will for me to marry him, but right now, I'm just not seeing the benefits of it...at all.
It really hurts, you know? All this time and paitence, waiting for him to come out to move forward, only for him to come out, and absolutely nothing is happening. NOTHING! He's been out for almost a month...and it's just really a bummer. I'm almost more worried about him now than I was when he was in jail!
And, although he's says he's changed....he hasn't. He always put things off until the last minute(or didn't deal with them at all) and I had to make the decisions for us. I hate this, because I don't feel as though he's owning up to his responsiblity as a husband or a father by being so "Oh, whatever" about everything. In fact, it annoys the hell out of me that he acts like this.
I want him to be a man to take charge(but not completely rule) the roost. A man that doesn't depend on the government to take care of his kids, but his hard work and determination to do it.His favorite words about all this is, "We will figure it out"...and I hate it when he says it, because I know that's his way of not dealing with it buit forcing me to decide for us....!!
I'm trying to be understanding about all this. But I feel so pressured about this...mostly from myself. I want things to start happening, so that way at least I know things are moving along. Instead, things are at the same standstill that they were a year ago, except now I can't turn to my "other man", Jose, for help, because I kicked him out in thoughts of something "better"!
Even my sister said, " Why did you dump Jose? At least he had a steady job, even if it was at McDonalds, at least he was helping you out." But just a week ago she said, "At least he(Robert) is going to be there for the kids, and help my little sis out!" So much for that theory!!!
It's not even starting, and I'm sooo ready to throw in the towel. But, I've made a promise to God that I will marry him, I will be a stay at home mom, and we will have more children together. I will be the best wife and mother to my children. But right now, I'm just not seeing it. All I'm doing is giving himencouraging words, reassuring my kids that "Daddy will live with us...eventually" only to not see that day arriving anytime soon, and I'm getting ready to start a job that I was waiting for back in April, now I don't really want,because I was anticipating being a stay at home mom in the fall! So much for my plans,huh? GRRR!!!
There is hope for something better, eventually. But when, God?When? Just when I think we've gone through all the hardships to be strong enough for the blessings, BAM! we get more hardships, and no blessings. When will we be blessed? Haven't we endured enough? All I want is to get married, live in the same household, be a stay at home mom, and have more kids, is that too much to ask?!?! I'm not asking for great wealth(although it wouldn't hurt). I'm not asking for beauty, or selfish request(right?). All I'm asking is for these simple things. Why does the world and Robert have to make it soo hard?! WHY?!?!
Okay, I'd better get off now. I though this would help me, but instead,I'm just more upset.
Mama J