Attempting to multi-task. Failing miserably.

Today, I was supposed to have a day off. A day off for my kids simply means staying at home and NOT going anywhere. As I gave my oldest daughter a bath tonight, I asked,"what was your favorite part of the day?". I had hoped she would say,"making meatballs with you" or "reading such and such a book". What does she say instead? "Being home! And not having to go ANYWHERE!!" *sigh*
Sometimes, I wonder if I pencil in too much for us. I have started working a job that is *technically* only for 3 hours on mondays and fridays, but the fact that we have to walk to it takes the actual time frame to be 5 hours on each day(3 hours of working, plus an hour to walk each way). That takes up much of my energy on those days, so I really try not to do anything else on those said days(lately, though, I have used fridays as library days...). Tuesdays are our only days "off", that is, I do my very best to have NOTHING planned outside of these four walls. Problem is...there is too much to do WITHIN these four walls, that I often use Tuesdays as time to deep clean the house or try to get ahead of cooking and baking for the rest of the week(in theory, anyways). Wednesday afternoons and evenings are spent at church for Calvary Kids(the childrens choir) and Senior Choir(for me). Thursdays are my shopping and go to the librarry for arts and crafts day, Saturdays are supposed to be another day off for us, but since my father has passed, my aunt has taken it upon herself to include me in any and every activity she has planned for a Saturday(which, I wouldn't mind..if they didn't take up our ENTIRE Saturday...), and if she doesn't have something planned, there is something going on at the library that the kids want to go to..
Sundays are Sunday school and church, as well as time I take to look at the sunday paper for deals to stock up on. Which, aside from lack of more free time, brings me to my next point...
I think I want to be an extreme couponer. I keep seeing these people online getting items for next to nothing, free, or something close to one or the other, and I can't help but think..why can't I do that? Why shouldn't I do that? I'm broke, and I need to save money. I need to start stockpiling, so that when I do move(to Idaho) the last thing on my mind will be where on earth is the nearest corner store to buy some toliet paper??
Oh, and speaking of Idaho/moving, my stepmother has decided she is going to move to Florida after the hosue forecloses. But she does not want Dad's dog. So I told her I would take the dog when the time comes. Problem is, that should be in the next few months(most likely by the end of this year). So..that nice little of idea of moving come early summer has now been set early to...possibly this winter. *GULP*
On top of that, I currently do not have a car. Nor do I have any money saved up to get there. Both of which are my fault, I know. God is providing the money(thanks again, God!). Now, I have to buckle down and save the majority of it in order to make something towards this move to Idaho.
Plus, my kids are fighting like crazy. Not so much these past few days, but it happens more and more with each day. I think it has something to do with all the craziness in our lives(maybe?!) but either way, it is driving me insane, and at the same time breaking my heart. I pray God will give me a way to work on this with them.
Pretty soon, I fear something is going to give. I feel like we are doing too much and I will soon cut ties with the world as we currently know it. No, nothing radical, just give up activities.
I know some of these glorify God(like choir practice and going to church). But, if I may share this secret...I feel like I don't fully belong in choir. I love to sing, and I know I can sing, but...I can't read music. At first, the old music directors sensed this, and either they were okay with it or were used to just talking little to no "music language"..I don't know. But the new music director keeps talking "music", and I freak out. I feel like I am taking advanced spanish all over again in highschool. He may as well be talking german, I have no idea what he is saying half the time. And, the other day, I wanted to cry. He didn't yell at me or anything(just the opposite, this guy is sweet as molasses!) but he kept saying, "I need to hear you, altos(which, by the way, I haad no clue I was an alto until he pointed in the general direction I was sitting and said,"altos!")!" and, really, it is just me and another woman who sings alto. She knows music and sings loud enough for everyone to hear, but I am so afraid of messing up, I lower my voice or wait until I have heard the tune long enough to start singing. I keep thinking, God wouldn't ask me to do it if He didn't think I could, but...I am flopping hard in choir. I don't know how many times thus far I have messed up. And I do love singing praise to God, really I do, and the songs they are use are beautiful. But I am starting to think I am being more of a burden to the choir than a blessing. It seems like every time I feel semi-comfortable in it, *BAM!* I mess up, and everyone is just too nice to say anything about it.
On another note..my extreme couponing. Why do people spend so much time doing it? I will never know. Especially when they have kids! I can barely make time to homeschool more than 3 days solid a week, and to attempt to do extreme couponing...my head is dizzy from the thought! I feel like I am wasting God's blessing of finances and resources if I don't start it. But, I simply do not have the time nor patience to do 20 hours a week to looking through circulars and clipping coupons! I mean, come on! My kids are doing World War 3 every week! My house is a mess, I don't spend nearly as much time with my neighbors as I used to, fellowshiping with them, and just being a good friend. My kids need me more than they need stuff. I keep saying to them, "we do this so we won't have to do this soon" but I keep thinking...when will it end? And I didn't even start EXTREMELY extreme couponing, shucks, I am just testing the waters and feel like I'm drowning in ankle deep waters! ugh!
One last thing(I think..)...why do I keep thinking about a husband? I can barely make time for my kids, and I am sitting here, daydreaming(when I should be clipping coupons!) about a husband I don't even have! Maybe it is a coping mechanism...as in, I think that once I have my husband, things will be a little more easier on me as a parent, child of God, etc. Even though I know that is not 100% true. But I do keep seeing friends of mine who are married and they keep complaining about their spouse, and I think to myself, "how on earth can they complain!?". Of course, I do not know every situation, only what is told to me, but...I just can't imagine having a husband and complaining about him. I pray that I never get into that mindset. In fact, just as I was getting out of the shower earlier, I thought, anytime that I think I may complain about my husband, I pray that God will remind of this time, the time I didn't have a husband but wanted one with all my heart and soul, and instead praise God for him, flaws and all. After all, I know I am not perfect, so why should I expect my husband to be?
Oh, and God has continued to put writing on my heart.For some time, He keeps whispering,"childrens historical fiction". Please keep in mind that while I like learning history with my kids, I myself have never thought of having a "love " of it. I mean, you know, some people are passionate about a subject in school. I was never really passionate about history. It was almost always writing. Or Science(before they tied it into math, anyways). Anyways, on top of all this, God keeps whispering to me to start it, to do it, and I can't seem to get the swift kick in the butt needed to even get started. I have the ideas, but not enough research of historcial time referrences, a degree would be nice, etc....
This is why I am wondering why I am doing all this. I feel like I am running in circles, with no end in sight. Its just one busy activity after another. Going, going, going, but not really stopping for time to enjoy the view or the people. Which is so funny, because a few years ago, I would given anything to be this busy and active. I thought being "super mom" meant running around to fun activites with the kids, doing it all. But the more I do, the more frustrated I get...the more exausted I get. Well, at least come winter time, I will be able toslow down a bit. I am sure my aunt wont be attempting to come over here while the weather is cold and snowy, and I won't feel like attempting to bear the elements for all this comotion. No way!
Regardless, I am going to thank God for the craziness. Thank you, God, for the craziness. I don't understand it, but You orcastrate it, and grant me the energy and mindset to do it. That is good enough for me. As long as You are steering ship, then who am I to tell you which direction to go? Give me the grace to know when to let go,and allow You to take rein. Even now, I see I am failing on my own efforts. Help me to use Yours instead. Thank you, Lord for all the insanity in my life, because it makes  Your ways seem all the more wonderful to me. Help me to see You in all this. Continue to guide me and work within me. Amen.