God is still working miracles in my life!

Today, I wanted so bad to get mad about what I posted yesterday. My flesh still wanted to be mad.
But my spirit was already looking at it in a differnt light last night. And, as I awoke today, I did not see the things mentioned as an "issue" but rather as another oppertunity to serve God(through my children). I chose not to be mad still, or rather, God was working within me to not allow this "problem" to continue into sin. Phillippians 4:8 comes to mind, as I type and listen to Joyce Myer. At the end of last night, I chose not to think of the things that upset me, but rather, about the things that God has already done in my life. And guess what?! IT WORKED!!
Today seemed so much better. I got very little work done, but I attempted to work nonetheless. And even through my half-hearted attempt, God is still working miracles that could only be His touch in my family's life.
First off, I called my parents and told them I wasn't going to church because my tummy hurt. That wasn't entirely false, my tummy did hurt...but not really enough to not go to  church at the time. But, oh how glad I was that I did stay home! Two hours later, I felt the impact of my tummy pangs, and...well, let's just say it wasn't pretty.
Okay, so, I probably shouldn't of mentioned that..but,oh,well. I said it.
Anyways, at first, I felt bad. My stemother called to see if everything was okay, and she thought that I was mad at them about something( I was..for a little bit last night). I told her no, and I'm glad I did. She then told me that she was going to go back to the salvation army, and if their van service didn't run out to my house, that her and dad would still pick me up. She also mentioned some volunteer oppertunities(Which is something that ahs been on my heart for awhile to do, and the kids have asked about it more lately), so even through something that I at first was upset about turned out to be a blessing instead. If they do offer the van service, I might just go anyways. I was being selfish with my thoughts. And Emily even mentioned that they need help with the children's ministry..maybe that's why God has put children as my ministry..who knows? Either way, I hav efound a great resource for children's ministry(regardless of if I do it at home with my own kids or in a larger setting,) that is completely FREE(well, you have to buy the supplies, but still..the lessons are FREE, and I like free!). Blessings in disguise! Praise God!!!!
And then, my neighbor came over and asked me to watch her son on turesday..PRAISE GOD!!! That means additional money for our homeschool(or...the bills! ). My aunt also asked me to watch her kids again this week..PRAISE THE LORD!  Another blessing!
And just when I think God is done, oh,no when HE blessses, His Blessings overflow...
TWO people signed up for my online Avon website. I have yet to check, but as of right now ONE has already placed an order...THANK YOU, GOD!!! and the otehr said that she was going to order last night..I jsut ahven't check yet, but I'm praising God for her, anyways! On top of THAT I got someone who asked me to mail them a catalog,a nd asked if they could share it...potentially TWO additional customers!!! GOD IS GOOD!!! ALSO, my stepmother and father called and put in tehir orders for the upcoming campaign..PRAISE THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY!!!
Lastly, God has blessed me with an order from my neighbor this past campaign!!!
I just can't say it enough...THANK YOU, GOD!!!
Even when I think God isn't paying me any mind, he ends up suprizing me WITH A SHOWER OF BLESSINGS!!
God is just too good to my family! We did nothing to deserve His endless mercy and grace, and yet, He keeps pouring it out to us, anyways! 
I'd better get going. I jsut had to put in a praise report so that I can continue to remember God's goodness, even when I have my 'moments' in the flesh. I'd better get going.
TO GOD BE THE GLORY, FOREVER!!

I can't help but thank God for all of this.

Hypocrites,hypocrites,everywhere!

Just when I think things are starting to get somewhat in order...hypocrites in my very own family prevail!
I'm not even sure of where this all came from. Really, I don't.
It all started with my aunt..first she calls to complain( a normal habit that I normally ignore), but this time...it was my dad she was complaining about. At first, I had to side with my father on the issue. She expected my dad to pick up her son, and take him to my house, and drive back home. My dad isn't made of money, that he can sit there and waste gas like that! I thought. I know I'd be fuming,too(like my dad),especially since she sprung this up all last minute on him. But, I thought...isn't that family is supposed to do? My aunt needs help(even though I don't completely agree with the need of babysitting for a bunch of teenagers), and she's asking family. Family is supposed to pull through, right? Well, my dad did do it, but he said he wasn't going to do it next week for her. She was upset, because now she feels like her family doesn't care, or is available to help out at times like these. I totally understood the feeling.
But, I listened, and then I hung up. I try not to get in the middle of these sort of things. It makes me feel divided, and I hate to choose sides with family.
Now, my dilemma. A week ago, my stepmother decided that she was going to switch churches. SHe wanted to go to the same one  as my aunt. I said I was getting frustrated with the Jehova's Witness church(KIngdom Hall), and we both agreed that we should switch churches. We also agreed that they(my parents) were going to pick me up from now on, and we were all going to go to church as one big happy family. Okay, that last part was added by me. But, last week was very nice. We went to the church, I even treated them to Wendy's..it was all so nice. But, for reasons unknown to me, my dad called me just now, and said, "you know they have a van,right? Let them pick you up next week, and we're going to Salvation Army. We'll pick you up tomorrow,though. But, after that you can use the van." First off, I'mnot trying to say that I'm higher than thou or anything, but...I hate using church vans. I used to do it as a kid, and I always felt odd about it. Now that I have kids, I wouldn't DARE try the van thing. Who knows what the heck is in those things? What if someone's sick, and gets on...UGH. I just do NOT like the thought of church vans.
And my dad..I'm not sure of what to think. I think both my aunt and my dad are peeved at eachother, and now they're both taking it out on me(in their own ways). I will call the van, but if they don't offer it in my area(which is often the case), then I have to tell the kids we can't go. And they're going to be mad at me, and I'm going to be mad at dad...
I hate the things that ALWAYS seem to happen at the end of the summer with my family. Now I understand why God told me to move at the time that he did. ARRRHGGGGGHHHH. Why didn't I listen?!
On top of all this, I'm trying to break up with the JW's. I largely did this because I thought that my parents were going to make the way for us to go to church. And now this...
So, now I have to break up with the JW's, and I have no means of us to go to a church. GREAT, JUST FREAKIN' GREAT!!! Grrrrr.....
I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach about ALL of this....that somehow, family relationships are going to be strained. I hate it when these happens....
I'd better go. I jsut thought that I would vent out some frustrations. Who knew going to church would be this..upsetting? God, I wish you would bless me with a vehicle already!!
I'd better get going.

Dating? Don't think so!

I'm not sure if I had mentioned this in my last posting, but apparently, "caring" friends and family are surrounding me with the thought/idea that I should be dating.
This is from the same people who, once I do attempt to date, say that I should NOT be dating, because, well, then I'm..not available.
Okay, so..normally, I would be thankful that I have people that are concerned to the point of not wanting me to be the old lady with 50 cats running around in her house(not that I could have them, living in an apartment that doesn't allow such pets). But, for the first ever in my life...I'm actually content being single. No, I really don't want to date. Seriously!
I guess it has a lot to do with me taking time to learn more about and appreciate God. The whole family is doing it! I just don't feel that "loneliness" that I used to for so long. I'm finally content with not having to share my king sized bed with some farting, not-as-attractive after they got naked guy. I'm content with not having to limit my choice of "what's for dinner?" because my boyfriend doesn't like such-and-such or doesn't eat..whatever they don't eat. And, dare I say, I rather enjoy NOT having to shave my legs as often, because no one is touching them(except my kids, but they really don't care)!!!
Does this mean I'm "doomed to be single for the rest of my life? That I'm actually one of "those people" who willingly want to be single for the rest of their life to glorify God? Simply put...NO!
I desire nothing more than to have a HUSBAND to share and relate with. To love, and be loved in return. I'm only human, after all, and as a human, "it is not right for man(or woman) to be alone" so says God in Genesis.
But is dating and the thought of being single haunting me like the plague? No. God is working in my life, I see that with each day. I'm not saying I don't have moments when I feel lonely. I do. But, they don't bother me like they did a year ago. I have my family more grounded in scripture, and in doing so, I have learn to be okay with this time to be single. I'm at the point now, where I'm downright thankful for it.
The other day, my friend tried to play 'matchmaker' and..let's just say, it went TERRIBLE! I guess, too, after all the bad ones I've dealt with, I'm more willing to stick to guns about what I prefer. And the only thing he had going in his favor was that he was white (and I prefer white men). We talked, he was nice and all, but I knew from the get-go that it was not a match made by God.
Do you know what I wish, sometimes? I really wish the man God has made out to be my husband would just "bump into me" one day, and we'd do one date, and he'd propose. And we'd live happily ever after(or something like that)...the end. BUT, since we live in the 'real world' and that sort of stuff doesn't happen much anymore...I'm just being content being single.
I'm not saying that I will never,ever,date a man again. I'm just saying...that at this point and time in my life, it's just not a top priority in my life. It's at the bottom of my list. Right after 'becoming a billionaire' . LOL
I just have too much stuff going on in my life right now. I'm trying so hard to get it all right(and get it right with God), that I'm a bit afraid of dating. I'm doing a home-based business. I'm officially homeschooling my kids, starting next month. I'm trying to get some sort of better education for myself(thinking of a certificate in medical coding, at the moment). I'm trying to find a church that doesn't weird me out(just got out of a Jehovah's Witness Church...if anyone has been to one and left, then you know what I mean). I'm trying to move to Idaho. There is just too much going on right now to add a potential relationship on the list!
And I'm quite okay with that. Really, I am. As I collapse onto my king-sized bed each night, exhausted, I can't help but thank God for this time to be single. I can't help but thank God for this time to do things His way, without having to answer to a 'boyfriend'. I'm glad I can use this time to perfect(or start to learn) my homemaking skills, what I want out of life(with or without a spouse), and I can reflect on how best to give God the glory each day.
Dating? Not for me, not anytime soon!

I'm jumping in with both feet..part 1

Okay, so..I'm not sure if I ahve posted this in here or not. I know I have said this countless times on facebook, to family and friends via every other method, but..I thought I'd post it here,too.
This year, I'm officially homeschooling.
I'm terrified out of my mind. I mean, no one I know does this...NO ONE!! I know a lot of moms who dream about doing it, but they always say the common excuse.." I'm afraid they (the child) won't be socialized..". Or, they are single mothers who simply think they can't do it.
I just ordered the material for the kids...I'm waiting for it to arrive in the mail. After nulling it over for several months(the curriculum, not homeschooling..I've had this on my heart for over 2 years), I have finally decided on one that I think has the same objectives that I would put if I made one myself. I'm scared, but at the same time, excited.
Actually, now that I think about it, I'm making a lot of changes this year. I have decided to remain single for the next two years( unless God has other plans..), I have decided to move to Idaho when I get the available funds to do so, I am homeschooling, I am eating healthy(now if I could just actually exersize..), I am trying to make more things from scratch, and I'm trying to do a home-based buisness, as well as eliminate my debt. Did I mention I'm NOT married...???
Anyways, God is providing ways for us to earn money. As always, He's good to our family as long as we are working hard and not eating "idle bread".
I know I covered in small bits, a lot of what's going on in our family right now. I'm glad we had the summer we have so far, because I have learned a lot more than I thought possible. I have found some areas I need to work on, and God is blessing our family with more things as we continue to work hard for His glory. Does this blog seem scattered? It's probably my mind...
I have so much to cover, and so little time to tell it all. It's like I'm talking to a good friend that I haven't talked to "in forever" and I'm trying to play cath-up while realizing all the things I still have yet to do. I just realized, I have more things to do!!
I'd better get going. I'll write more later this week...as long as I make the time to do so.

Submit to your husband...?

Well, this is another one to go under the rant and rave category.
Lately, I've read several articles and magazine, from 'christian' SAHM's, their husbands, authors, etc. I see a re-occuring trend..the all-too-often quoted Bible verse that says, "Wives, submit to your husbands..". I see that this is a very poular trend. Submit, submit, submit. Okay, enough of that,already...
But why is it that I don't see the rest of the passage there? I've double checked, and in NONE of the blogs/websites/articles, do they mention the rest.
The rest says, "and husbands, love and care for your wives, just as Christ did for the church" or something to that effect. It also mentions the role that children play..but that's another blog entry, for another day.
Why is it that all these 'christian' places focus on is the wife being submissive? what about the husband's role as treating her fairly and like a queen?(okay, that part was my own words, but I know from song of songs that if a man is to treat his wife as anything, he should be looking into that book of the Bible- Solomon was very devouted to his wife!)
I'm just a lil..(okay a LOT) peeve'd at the fact that since men run the church(not that I'm saying that's entirely wrong, to a fault), they have used and abused this passage for reasons to be dominate over their wives...and sometimes, abusive. Why on Earth would they only focus on one half of the equation?
So, I get it...wives are supposed to submit. But husbands are supposed to exalt her, and care for her and polish her up, and make her sparkly(once again, my own words-based on this particular Bible verse). Is wife rebellion more common than husband abuse? I don't have research, but I'm almost certain that's not the case. I'm almost certain that husbands have more of a problem using and in some cases abusing their dominance in a marraige.
I do wish that more of these "quiverfull" and other conservative christians would make it more of a point to draw attention to the entire verse, not just a fractionof it. When God blesses me as a husband, I pray that he is not a man that focuses solely on one fraction of the verse, but the entire thing.
If God is calling me to have more children and all that, I'll do it. But I'm not going to only pay attention to a fraction of a verse simply because that's what everyone else in the 'conservative' christian world is doing. If God does bless me with some sort of ministry, I want to bring up this valid point up as much as the churches will allow me, and more.
I'm just not feeling kosher with the idea that all that passage is used for is simply to make wives be 'submissive' and nothing more. While husbands are sittingon high and mighty throwns, having the last say about everything...screw that!!
If ANY man thinks I'm going to be one of those quiet, simple wives that blindly follow whatever they say...think again, buddy!! that AIN'T me.
God has some work to do with this wild spirit formely known as me...hehehe.
I'd better go.

If I had a millon dollars, part two

Okay, after thinking this over some more, I have found out that I have left out some very important things I wanted to do when I win a millon dollars.
Hopefully, this is the last of the reversions of the list..
Helping others-
I would put $100,000 to tithing to churches and ministries. I would put another $100,000 towards building a new 4/5 star daycare near career link, one that is open 24/7. I would give $300 to each of the following people: Rose, Fanny, Nicole and Natasha's mom, Jeaneke and Taj, the nice lady in apartment #114, the neighbor up the road who gave us green beans and a ride or two, the neighbors who used to let us go through their yard in order to take the bus(2 of them), to Mrs. Colamarino, and I would give Gary from Career Link $500, because he believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. Lastly, I would use $700 or less to hire some moving guys and pack up and move all the old furniture and house supplies from this apartment, and take them/unload them at goodwill.

Helping extended family-
I would give $10,000 to each of the families- dad/emily, aunt Jon Ann, and Jodi/Al(total $30,000). Lastly, I would put aside $14,000($2,000 per child) for nieces and knewphews and cousins(jodi's kids and aunt Jon ann's kids) into a college fund.

Helping the Kids/Me/Buisness-
I would $75,000 to buying the house and land in White Bird, Idaho. I would use $300,000 towards building the Duggar-style home(with my improvements). I would use $700 to move(since I wouldn't be taking anything with me, I'd probably just take me and the kids and take the bus). I would use $20,000 towards buying new furniture and household supplies, since I gave everything I owned in PA to Goodwill. Once I got to Idaho, I would go and use $50,000 towards buying a 2010 chevy suburban, and 5 years worth of car insurance. I would put $20,000 towards paying off all debts, $100,000 towards farming buisness and supplies, $90,000 for Children's college fund, $15,000 for me to finish college/training( would like to get some training in Agricultural, Cosmotology, Writting, and Buisness). I would also use $15,000 towards homeschool supplies. I would put aside $36,000 so that I could have 1 year's worth of income to pay bills,etc. until I'm able to profit from my farming and daycare,etc. Lastly, I would put aside about $800-$1000(depending on what's left over) to have fun with- go on a shopping spree, get everyone's hair done, etc.

Helping Future Generations-
I would put $28,000 into a high intrest savings account(depending on the overall cost of everything else..the range must be between $20,000-$28,000.)
That is what I would spend a millon dollars on. Yipee!!
Hopefully, I won't think of anything else to spend/save this money on...
I did figure, however, if God ever blesses me with more(like, 2 million or higher at one time), then I would probably put the remaming towards building the daycare better, or having more locations. And maybe I'd open up some book stores, and churches,or something. And also, to offer a nation-wide training program of some kind, to help increase the economy.
Save some, and offer the rest towards Churches and minitries. That would be about it. I don't need millons of millons of dollars. I would just absolutely need one millon. Anything after that would just be put aside(for future generations), or used for buisness purposes.
That's it. I'm done.

Alternative plans

Well, since it's april 26th and I"m not sure of what God is going to do/ not going to do...And since he has yet to prove me right, and make me not look like a foll, I have to do what I would normally do in regards to planning- make alternative plans.
Okay, first off...I'm thinking I might at some point join the military. I'll have to lose weight, and I might have to find a way to do so with my children, but..I'm thinking about this. I'm waiting for the army and the marines,etc. to contact me to answer my questions. I'll keep you updated once I hear something.
Second, I might have to sell everything I have so that I can just take a bus to Idaho. I"m not sure of what's to come, but, it's almost may, and I'm panicking. I don't want to, but I really thought I would've received something from God by now. Something to confirm my move, something physical...like financial aid money, a contest win..something!! But since I heard nothing, I'm not sure of what exactly to do. If worse comes to worse, I may have to try and sell everything, and what I can't sell...I'll just have to leave behind. It breaks my heart to think this way, but I told these kids God would make a way...it's not june yet, but I can't wait any longer.
If I get the financial aid money, then I'll just have to use the money to move. Whatever happens after that...is a big question mark. I'll probably have to find a job and put the kids in daycare, but I just don't know yet.
Third, and final resort, I might have to find a way to vegas, and...*shudders to think*...I might have to attempt and join the bunny ranch, or some other brothrel, and do prostitution until I earn the money to...pay for a house, and what not. If this option is the only thing left for me to, I'll have to do it for the entire summer to earn the money. I'm praying God won't let that happen...I'm praying he just gives me a million dollars, and will be done with it.
If I have to work, actually take a job and all that, and put the kids in daycare..I will need therapy. I don't want to put them in daycare..again!! I don't my kids in public school, I don't want my kids learning bad habits and all that...I want to home school them, be there for them at all times(which, I won't be able to do if I get a job),.....I want to be there, homeschooling my kids, taking them to dance and karate,sports and all that. Have time to make everything from scratch9food wise), and take care of my home. But I also need a million dollars to do this. A million dollars would cover the cost of the land i want, the cars i want, putting money away for the children to go to college, etc.
Well, I had to record all this before I forget. And if I do have to work a normal job and put the kdis in childcare, I will probably have to work 2 jobs, because I won't be able to afford all this on my own...a home, food,daycare,etc.!!
Maybe the military will just take me as I am. Maybe they will just say to me, lose some weight, we'll take you with the kids once you lose the weight...I'd be okay with that. I like to be a big girl, but...if need be, I'd rather try and lose weight in order to get into something that would give me and the kids better oppertunities, than have to...sell my body...*shudder*...
We'll see. I'm tired as heck. I'd better go and check my e-mail...
I'll write as soon as the recruiters call me, which will probably be real soon.

I just don't know...

Today, I have received yet another e-mail saying that I need to fill out paperwork for the financial aid process. I told them the last time that if that was the last time that I fill out the form and send it to them. I'm mad, I don't even want to fill it out...and get my hopes up. It seems like someone is making my life into some sort of sick joke. Especially when it comes to money.
To top things off, this morning, as I was leaving from Solstice's bus stop, one of the mom's found $100 on the ground. And then, because she's so nice..she asked if anyone lost their money! DO you know how bad I wanted to claim that! I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.."IT'S MINE!!!" but for whatever reason, I didn't.
Oh, yes, if God has a sense of humor, he must really be chucking it up right about now. Come, let's all laugh at Jennafer's misfortunes...hahahahahahahhahahaha!
I could just cry. I want so badly to cry. Just when I think God is blessingme with something...I get thrown bad down into cursings. Why, God, why?! I really could've used that money, too. It would've bought us a lot of food..or paid the rent..or, well, anything!!
I'm just not sure about today. I'm not really feeling this day...to start off a day like this, I just want to throw my hands up and scream, "WHY GOD, WHY?!?!"
I'm not sure if I want to attempt to fill out the form for financial aid. I'm not sure of what I'm going to do anymore. Just when I think I have all the plans in order...things are going from bad to worse.
Oh, and I've cheated on my celebacy plan again. Just when I thought I would be okay, I met someone(a lady) online, and I thought I we were relating about how much life sucks, only for her to start talking dirty to me...ugh. I didn't even want to do it, but then I got into it, and...i masterbated. I'm just going to avoid all people online(no more IM-ing,except on facebook and singlesnet, and AOL) and no more talking to people I don't know online.
I have found out..all anyone in chat rooms do is want sex...cyber sex. I can't believe how bad it's gotten since those times I used to do it so long ago. It feels like forever now, that I used to go into a chat room, and people used to actually talk. Back then, I thought it was bad when people were trying to find a boyfriend/girlfriend on those chats!! Look at how much worse it has got! yikes!!
I just can't believe it. Well, I might not be going on any of them..except for facebook and AOL(only because I know two people on there, and everyone on facebook I know). I'm sick in the stomach over it....I can't believe how much sex is in these chat rooms. ugh.
And here I am, thinking that I might go into the sex trade....
it's not that I wouldn't do it...if something doesn't happen soon, I won't have a choice...but I really don't want to. I'd like to think of myself as something more than a hole to stick a penis in. *sigh*...I just don't know waht to do anymore. I'm at a lost. I don't want to return to working a normal job, because I know it won't work out..the kids are too young, with them going to daycare and all...I'd lose hours, and with me not having welfare...I'd have to apy for their daycare. Plus, food and rent and bills...if I don't get to finish college, I'll be living here in this hellhole forever. My kids will be raised in poverty, and I'll die a poor woman, with nothing to pass onto my children but poverty. I don't want this life, God!! I want what I can see in my dreams...why can't it just happen already?!?! Why can't I be blessed beyond measure?!?!
I have to go...I'm feeling the tears in the back of my eyes returning...I don't want to cry anymore...I have to go before i do.

Accounting- part 1

Okay, just dropping a line...
Solstice's father came by just a little while ago. Before leaving, he handed me $60.
Keeping account of it, so that if God really is trying to meet all my needs according to what His word said, I have record of it. Thank You, God!!!
and on top of that, Rasheid said that he might need me to do babysitting. Even if it doesn't work out...it's stilla reason to celebrate. THANK YOU GOD!!!!
Amen.
Today- profit- $60.
Oh,, and let's not forget...I also noticed in one of my survey websites...I had enough points to cash in...a whopping $11!!! Who-hooo!!!
I'm going to wait to cash it in, until I get more surveys and points for more money.
So, technically, total profit today- $71.00
Now, how to spend the $60???
Hmmmm....lol
Thank You, God!! I feel giddy. Let' s just pray that GOd will come up with the rest...of the millon dollars...hope against hope....
AMEN!!

Pissed...very,very pissed...

I just got one bad thing after another happening right now. I am very,very pissed about the turn of events. As much as I've tried to ignore it, as much as I've tried to pray and focus on the future things...there's no denying it now...it's hit me full force, I'm overwhelmed, and I'm not hearing anything from what I thought was God. What gives?
Okay, so I'm really upset right now. Really upset. I've done something I knew I shouldn't have, and now I'm not feeling guilty or sad about it...I really thought I would. But, I don't feel anything right now. Except angry.
Last night, I allowed myself to go into "my fleshy desires". I caved into doing cyber sex, and contacting the bunny ranch. And I thought something inside me would say or feel bad, say, "STOP!!!" but all I felt was calmness. Isn't that weird? I felt calm in the midst of doing something bad.
You know what? Right now, I'm mad at God. I'm really mad at God. He sees my children, and all they want to do. And I've prayed and prayed for so long for Him to bless them. Not just with food and clothing this apartment..but with a house, financial stability. In return, we are BARELY staying alive. I stopped eating breakfast on the weekdays, and some weekends, so that we have enough breakfast foods to last the whole week. We stopped eating snacks in the morning, and I've stopped giving sides for lunch. It's that bad..
I know I should be thankful for the little we have..but I"m mad. I've read my Bible too much, taught my children God's ways for too long, and prayed too hard for this little yield. I'm investing all this stuff, and it's like, God just keeps us alive to do it all over again. Barely living. What kind of life is that?!
I'm losing my faith...I'm losing my trust in God. And it hurts. The one person that can do anything isn't doing anything for my family. He's not blessing us like he blessed those stupid televanglist say he does on tv. He's blessing them, and he's not blessing us. Why? I'm not trying to bes selfish...really, I'm not. Everything that I'm asking for is to do His "purpose" for my life and the lives of my children. I want so badly to be a SAHM. I want soo badly to homeschool my kids, and have all the supplies needed to do so. I want a farm, a husband, to move to Idaho. I'd tithe. I'd be a part of the church. I'd show my children of God's love the best way I can. I'd be a damn good wife. I don't want all this for my own benefit...I want to use what God blesses me with to glorify him. Even the car I'm praying for...I even planned on using it to drive people to church and the elderly to their errands...honest. I don't want a car simply for my own families benefit. I want to use to volunteer at an animal shelter, to bring people to church, to minister the best way I can to the elderly. The farm, I'd use to teach my children responsibility, to homeschool them in they ways of Christ, and to be more self-sufficient. Also, it would open the door for us to do another form of ministry- adoption. I'd love nothing more to open up our home to a hurting child that's been tossed aside in the adoption/foster care system. To point them to God.My husband...I'd encourage him in God, and vice versa. I would fufill my wifely duties, cook,clean, and be the best wife I can be, as God has said in His word to do. Even me going to college for communications has a purpose...so that I can write inspirational books and comics to point people to God.
Everything I desire has a purpose in some way that points to God.
And yet, I'm not seeing anything from God. Nothing that says, "i see you...I want to bless you."
Nothing. Aside from the breath of life, which I"m grateful for, I know He could bless us with more. Much more. Look at the people who don't acknowledge Him as their lord and savior..they're the ones getting the million dollars, the blessings9whether they be from God or not), they're the ones who needs are all met. It makes me sick, and it also makes me angry.
How is it that these people get the blessings, and here I am, trying soo hard to receive, to be in the place to get my blessing, and all I see are empty hands?! Why should I ahve to drag my kids outside to far distances, to take the bus, when back when I wasn't even acknowledging God, had a car and a semi-decent job?! I feel like I'm being made a fool for God. I also feel like I'm doing all this for nothing. All this hoping and dreaming...for nothing.
I've applied at schools online. Twice. Both times, I felt like it was God's purpose, for me to finsh college. I used hard-earned tax return money to pay off the one college. Only to not get the process rolling. Every time I apply, I'm selected for verification. ANd everytime I do that, complete the paperwork, and think I'm finally going to reap the benefits of getting a degree and the financial aid to pay for things until I finish my degree....I get slapped in the face with mroe obstacles. More lost paperwork. More time being wasted for nothing.
I"m babysitting. I thought that was going to be such a blessing for our family, considering the time frame that I got the job. But, all it is barely making us able to live. I then got a call about being able to babysit during the wekends. I was so thrilled- I thought, God's finally listening! Only for the job to not happen every weekend. I've sat at home, on weekends, waiting, when I could've done something else, only for a no-show. Only 3 x's have I received the job. IT upsets me.
I've doing survey's online. At first, I thought...finally! a chance to earn more income! Only for the survey's not being able to load on my computer, and when they do, I'm not eligible for them.
Every time I attempt something that I think to myself..."finally, God's blessing us!" I get sidestepped and trampled on in my effort.
So, I'm doing this. I'm demanding God bless me with a millon dollars by the end of this month. If he doesn't, then I will no longer be held accountable to Him. I will no longer allwo myself to follow what He' s telling me. I even said that I might go and join the bunny ranch...if they take me, that is. I'll also consider doing phone sex for pay. I really don't want to go down that road...but what else am I going to do? If I go and try to work, all I'll get is a minimum wage job, with stupid people and hours that I can't work because of lack of daycare.
I can't go to traditional college, because all but one of them I owe money to. The one I could go for absolutely free, my parents won't agree to do the paperwork for me to go.
I can't go and move to IDaho, because I don't have the money to do so. Because...guess what? God told me to go, but didn't provide the money for me to do so.
I need to lay down...I'm so mad and angry and...not liking the way things are going right now. My life is supposed to be a testament of God's endless love for our family...and instead, it's being made into a laughing stock. My family is shaking theri heads at me, and what am I to say or do? I'm not doing what they want me to do, I'm trying os hard to follow what I believe is God's voice...and I'm being made a fool, my kids are dragged further and further int o poverty, and the rich are still being made richer. What gives?!
I can't keep doing this. GOd, if You hear me...this is the last straw. I didn't leave the ways of old to go into Your ways and be made a fool of in the process! I demand a millon dollars by the end of this month!!! I promise not to spend it foolishly. I will tithe $100,000 of it. I will use it to glorify you're name. BLESS MY FAMILY WITH A MILLON DOLLARS!!!
BLESS US WITH A MILLON DOLLARS, IN JESUS' NAME!!!
I"m going to get going. I don't know what He, if "HE" exists, is planning on doing, but I know what I'm going to do if my request aren't made. I know if I don't get blessed, I know that will mean total withdrawl from God. No more prayers, Bible readings, or listening. NO more pretending everything is okay when it's not. NO more waiting around for God to bless us.
God, if you're reading this, you know all that I'm capable of. You see my heart, adn you know all that I want to do to bring glory and my family to You. Don't allow this to happen, please? don't allow me to withdraw...I don't want to do that. I don't want to give up on you, or the hope you have provided my family. I want this family to glorify you in everything. BLESS US WITH A MILLON DOLLARS!!!
I"m going to go now. I leave it all until the end of the month.
After that....I don't know what I'm going to do.
But I know it will mean changes. Changes that I don't want to make. But changes, if my hand is forced, I must make.
please don't let this happen, Lord. Please don't allow this trajedy to come upon my family. bless us!!
I have to go now.
Will God answer this demanding prayer? Only God knows the answer to that...

random thoughts...

today, I'm supposed to be cleaning and packing. After finally cleaning my room well enought to see the floor and my bed, I gave it a rest(not what I was supposed to do.)I ate breakfast while my children ate lunch, I have yet to shower...and I can't stop checking my e-mail and facebook page. Oh, yes, today has been very exciting..(NOT!!).
I feel like I should be doing more than what I'm doing now..but what? School?(duh!)...did my survey's(at least something got accomplished!)...got blessed with a check from paypal(THANK YOU, GOD!!! $18.75!! GLORY TO GOD!!)...managed to feed my children breakfast and lunch in a timely manner...did my prayer and Bible devotion...hmmm...what else?
I have just come to the conclusion that I don't like living here. Okay, so technically, I've known that already. But...I guess it just dawned on me that I'm not completely comfortable here. I thought I was, but really, I'm not. As of these past few months(and possibly longer, I'm not really going to think long on this..)everytime a car goes by, or I hear voices of people walking past the house, I kinda panic. I'm afraid that someone might try to come over..or worse, my landlord will knock on my door...and ask me stuff. I strongly dislike when that happens.
I don't know..I'm getting nervous just thinking about it...change in subject...
Okay, so...I found a friend on facebook. Isn't that what facebook is for(duh!), but I found someone I sort-of have been looking for. Sort-of..
it's this guy who used to ahve the hots for me. Doesn't happen often, someone having the hots for ME. Normally, it's the other way around...but he liked me...a LOT. It's also not normal for me(in my past, anyways) to not date someon/sleep with someone who had the hots for me(in the rare event that that ever DID happen...LOL). I'm not saying I want to date him, I guess I'm more or less just curious what he's done with his life thus far. Well, I guess that's to say for a lot of people I meet/try to find on facebook. Hmmm...
I'm babysitting this kid today. *sigh* A part of me really wants to tell his parent that I need more money, but another part of me is just happy to receive anything as a source of money that doesn't involve me having to listen to a man and/or sleeping with him. It may not be much, but, I have to be thankful for what God has blessed me with. Oh, the hard-earned dollar..lol
I probably check my singlesnet page too much as well. Which is funny, because I'm not even looking to date anyone...I guess it's the whole "potential" that's more appealing...like, who looked at my page? who flirted with me? who might think I'm cute? etc. etc.? Also, I've met some people there in the chats that I pray I will be able to find once I get to Idaho. And to help me unpack..LOL....
I so badly want to take the kids outside. But, my landlord sort-of yelled at me yesterday because the kids made a strip of grass vanish...in a slide-like fasshion. I'm afraid to go outside with them. Because, I don't want to have to yell at them in the even that they want to *gasp* play in the dirt. I strongly dislike not allowing my babies to go out and play int he dirt...ugh.
ON another front, I"m longing for Idaho. I'm not even sure yet as to how I"m getting there, or when exactly, but oh, how I long to just be there already. I just have a gut feeling about this...this move is going to change our family for the better. If only I could just be still and let God do His work...but I'm just soo anxious to get there already. I wish I would get some sort of large check, from publisher's clearing house, saying I've won a million dollars...so I wouldn't have to dwell on financial worries. I hate feeling like this..I feel like I deserve more, I know I deserve more, but how will I obtain it? I just got a e-mail from financial aid, telling me that I may not get my financial aid until next month, that is, if I have everything handed in and ok'd...how else am I going to earn some money? I'm taking the survey's, but, like I said, I'm not getting enough to pay fro much of anything, much less consider it a source of income. And with babysitting, I still don't amount to much.
Okay, now I'm doubting myself, and God. Why am I doing this??? I need to stop dwelling on this, and move on to something that will make me feel like I'm doing the right thing. Like...uh...like...er....
??????
I'm going to get going. The kids need to take a nap, I need to attempt to clean something(more), and I have to figure out what I'm going to do to earn money this month. *sigh*
the problems I face are draining everything out of me. When will I feel God's blessing in the way I see it happening???
Taking faith...not sure if I'm having faith in the right things, though.
I'd better go...
Jenn

When I receive a millon dollars...

Lately, I've just had this inkling that I'm somehow going to come into a millon dollars.
Maybe I'm more crazy than I thought(LOL).
But, even with the lapse in sanity...this got me to thinking...
If I had a millon dollars, what would I do?
Inplusively, I would say, GO OUT AND BUY STUFF. LOTS OF STUFF!!! BUt, after giving this some thought, I know that would defeat the purpose of such a blessing from God.(*hint*hint* to God). WELL....what WOULD I do? How would I use it to help bring glory to God/help me(physically/mentally,etc.?)/help my children/help my community? Help family members? How would I divide every penny, every dollar to not only help my family, but to help the wrold at large?
Hmmmmm.......
Well, first off, I would pay my debt-$20,000.00-all of it. I would then make the offer for the house and land in Idaho($75,000.00) and with the remaining amount of what should've been the payment of the house($15,000.00) I would put into a savings account of some kind. Naturally, I would tithe my 10%($100,000.00) to the ministries and local chuches(in Idaho) that I support. After that, I would use $300,000.00 or less to re-build the house on the land I want in Idaho, into my re-vamped version of the Duggar Home(Don't get me wrong- I like their home, but I would tweak it just a bit to my liking...and yes, I have thought this out before I realized that the Duggar's home plan was available to everyone online). I would invest $120,000.00 into a college savings fund for the children, spend another $15,000.00 in homeschool supplies, put $45,000.00 towards farming equiptment and supplies(seeds,fertilizer,farm animals, farming trucks needed,etc.),....did I spend it all yet? let me calculate....nope, I'm at $640,000.00...leaves me $360,000.00...hehehe...
I would then give my dad/stemother, my aunt Jon Ann, and my sister Jodi $10,000.00 each(total-$30,000.00). For my sister's kids, and my aunts kids, I would then put away $2000 each, per child, into a savings account for them for college, or whatever, when they turn 18(total of this-$14,000.00). I would put aside $10,000.00 for my children's clothing(taken out as needed), buy a schoolbus for..how much are those things going for, anyways?.....pay off my own college tuition(total-$45,000.00). That total so far is $99,000.00...(excluding the cost of the bus)....
I'm just going to guess and round this paragraph's total to $200,000.00
I still have $160,000.00. I would put away two year's salry for bills and food,etc.($60,000.00) and the rest I would use to start my own publishing company(for inspirational writers/christian writers,etc).Maybe an arts program, or something(?)- one for Reading, and one for White Bird...then that's it. It would be all spent. Have I covered everything???
If anything was left after all that, I would spend it dumbly- getting a spa treatment, going on a shopping spree, maybe getting my cellulite removed, etc. And buy furniture for the new house, but the kids all the classic movies and toys, and build a playground in the backyard. *phew!*
Okay, I think that covers it all. I just hope that I can remember to check this when(standing in faith on this, based on Hebrew's 11:1)...how big is God? Amen? AMEN!
Now I'd better get going, before I start thinking of more selfish ways to spend this money...something I'm trying hard not to do. LOL
Untily next time...
Jenn

Flow-enza talk, for the month of April

First off, I have to type this short poem I read in a book before I forget(because it's sort of how I'm feeling)-
"Long, long be my heart with such memories filled
As the vase in which the roses have once been distilled
You may break, you may shatter the vase if you will
But the scent of roses will hang around still"
Okay. Perfect illustration of my frustrations with life right now.
I have my period. And everytime I ahve my period, it seems like the world as I formally knew it is now coming to an end. I really need to talk to a doctor about taking some anti-depressants during this time of month, because every time I have it..it's like, I really can't cope.
I started online college this week. Not with Phoenix, but with Ashford. It was all really quick, I don't know right now that it was such a good idea to start without getting all the facts yet. But, I felt like I had to do something. It's been two months since I've been blessed by God to get internet access. And Phoenix was messing me up big time- I should have at least 2 classes under my belt by now, and here I'm just starting. I could've started sooner, but I was afraid, and I didn't want to start only to have what happened last time..they bill me and I don't get any financial aid. I NEED financial aid, and they were taking too long to get the ball rolling. I did everything I had to do, only to be told on their part, that THEY messed something up, and well, I was just supposed to wait by quietly until they get their ducks all lined up in a row. Sorry, but I need this..I need to get college finished ASAP, and I need financial aid NOW. So, I switched colleges, only to encounter the same problem. I'm praying to GOD that they get the paperwork and I will receive my financial aid within the next two weeks.
Okay, so the poem quote..I guess that's how I'm feeling right now. For some reason, as I'm feeling frustrated about my first week of classes, I'm putting the blame on Robert. Ok- not seeing the connection? I know. Let me explain-
Simply put, if he was here, and in his right mind, then He'd have a job, we'd be getting money in, and I wouldn't have to have all this stress on me and me alone. And even if we weren't together, if he was in his right mind, at least I'd be getting some sort of child support, which would be bringing in some sort of money, and I wouldn't have to worrry about college, and the bills, and providing foo for my family, and la-te-freakin' da...the end.
But, I know now..is that really fair? Is it fair to put this current turn of events on him? My PMS side says "YES!!" but, I know that's simply not the case. I can't think of terms of being a victium anymore, I have to think of terms being a victor. I love that saying,too.
I think that my mind is just not accecpting the fact that in order to be a victor, I have to DO something, I can't just sit here and plan and plan and plan(Although I do love to plan!) and not take action. It's a defense-mechinism I have..this planning of mine. It's what keeps me from losing my mind entirely, or focusing on how bad things really are. It's, in a sense, my way of escaping to a better, well planned, life that's not currently the one right in front of me.
But, all the planning in world isn't going to do any good without action. I've been stuck in this defense mechansim for several years. I realize it's a problem, I see what I need to do..and I've started the process...and,because of my PMS, I feel like I'm not doing enough, I"mset-up to fail, that maybe college isn't for me, and why-o-why couldn't Robert just be the man I wanted him to be, intead of a mirage of that image instead? *sigh* OF course, if I was married, I'd be a SAHM, as I am now, but I'd be more detailed(as I have everything all planned out), I'd be more able to focus more on my kids and less on myself, and I'd be able to cook and clean, and be a good little ol' wife without having the world on ym shoulders, and gosh darn it, I would be okay with it all, becaue I'd have someone to share all this with, and if problems would come our way, my dear husband would be the one beside me, I wouldn't feel as alone in my quest, and he would whisper a reassuring, "everything will be okay" in my ears when I need to hear it the most.
But, of course, I'm not in a place to be there right now. I'm not ready for marriage, I'm not mentally healthy enough to even date. But, oh, oh,oh...how lovely that would be. I want nothing more than this. Well, aside from the farm house to take care of, the animals and land to provide, and to make candles and sew clothes/quilt/crotechet...oh, how lovel that would all be!
So, yes, for a moment in today, I have panicked. In a moment of today I cried. ANd for a moment, I sort-of got mad at God because my fairy tale isn't here yet.
But, now I have to move forward,a nd now I have to try my best and be strong. I ahve to do my best in this, because I know God won't bless me with the desires of my heart if I freak out over the little things He's blessed me with now. I can't lose sight of these goals, I can't lose sight of my future. Even when the world is crashing down around me, I have to hold my ground.
I feel like crying again...*sob*
I'd better get going, I need to do SOMETHING about this schoolwork,before I fail it altogether.
Press onto what's ahead...not looking at the past....press on to what's ahead...
Jenn

The Glory Belongs to GOD!!

This past weekend, it seems as though I haven't learned my lesson about allowing God to lead instead of me.
I practically freaked out about my electric bill not being paid. Okay, I DID freak out about my elec tric bill not being paid. I had everything all set for doing a yard sale, thinking God will surely see that I'm trying to do good and bless this yard sale..right? WRONG!
It's like I was taking the lead, and just expecting God to bless me with my adventure. Like, "okay, God, I'm going to put you on the backburner for a minute...I'm going to focus all my energy into this yard sale, forgo my Bible studies, and my homeschooling, and my tithing...and guess what? All you have to do is bless me!" What a fool I was.
Then, finaly, on Monday, I rebuked the devil that was causing me stress and worry, and, despite the fact that I wasn't sure as to how, I praised God because, I knew somehow,someway, HE was going to do this, but in HIS time, not when it's convient for me.
So, I felt as though God was telling me to put my old gaming systems up for sale. I did that online, plus my daughters old coats. I a..
Okay, that was weird. I don't know why, but my computer just made a noise like the sound of thunder...i thought it was my IM, saying someone was on, but, no. Huh..how strange.
Anyways, so also, that morning, I finally gave God my tithe. I named the seed, prayed over it, and sent it out. Then I posted the stuff on craigs list.
Well, i at first, I had a response for the yard sale that I held the day before. It was from a woman looking for two particular items, which, of course, I do not have. I replied, and she sent me another message, thanking me for returning her e-mail, and said something like- "I hope you were successful in the yard sale, and that your family will be blessed by the move".
Wow..that was jsut what I needed to hear. "...He(God) knows the heart..."-that's a BIble verse, in psalms, I believe. How did God know that, although I haven't spoken or prayed to Him about it, to send someone to say the reassuring words that I needed to hear? because , He's GOD!!
I thanked her and prayed that God would bless her family for her small, but blessed statement.
No soonere after that, I got a response for the games, and someone was willing to pay $50 for all of them! Wow! Glory to God, that's all I can say..!!!
He not only responded to the post, but asked if he could pick up the stuff at 6pm that night!! Praise GOD!! I couldn't of asked for anything better! I couldn't stop praising God...
Now, I'm excited, because I'm anxiously awaiting for God to deliver to me(somehow) the remaining amount, so that, I can pay my electric bill. Either that, or find me a way to futher extend the time frame to pay it..
But, I'm praising God and God alone, because I know, that it's HIS time, and not mine. Oh, I"m so excited!!! THANK YOU, GOD!!

Reliance on God and God alone, part..2(?)...

I have come to the realization that friends and money just don't mix. Never should, never will(at least inmy life..)
This is the second time I hae relied on a close friend(or what I thought to be a close friend) to help me out finacially...by allowing me to do a yard sale at her house to earn money. All she had to do was let me put my stuff down, and she was doing a yard sale, too! I was going to give her and her husband some money,because I know, we all need some, and plus, how nice of her to do this,right?
Yeah...that was until she found out that she needed a permit in order to do it...and you get a fine($50) if they catch you without one. Even though she was going to make more than $50 at the yard sale, even though I was going to give her and her husband close to that amount...she canceled it at the last minute.
Did I mention my electric, which runs everything from the fridge to my stove, is getting ready to get cut off on Monday, and that our cupboards are almost bare, and that she knows all this, and, despite all that, is not allowing the yard sale,anyways? Some friend!
This is the third time I expected someone that I considered a close friend to help me out, only to get fucked in the end.
Sorry to use such language, but that's the only way I can say it with enough meaning for you to get it.
Last night, I nearly bawled my eyes out. But then, I had an idea...drop the kids off at my parents, and join the bunny ranch...and the more I thought about that thought, the more I realized, this is from the devil. God would never put something like that in my head, and if this friendship was blessed by God, this wouldn't be happening. Apparently, just another sign that I can only rely onGod, and the moment I try to trust someone to help,even in a small way, financially, it only leads to destruction. Of a friendship, of potential,whatever the case is...destruction.
So, another lesson I didn't need to learn. Another lesson I thought I already learned, but apparently I did not. Another hard dose of reality. Ugh.
So, I decided to let the yard sale happen at my house tommorrow. That's all I can do. Just pray that this time, it will be blessed by GOd, and that I will get enough money to do all that needs to be done. Please God, don't let me down today. Please God, You're all I have left. Please God, I'm relying only on you this time...please don't allow me to fail.
I'm relying only on God. Even when I'm not sure if He sees the pain I'm in, I'm going to do my best and trust in Him alone.
Let's pray that this yard sale will be blessed by God, and that I can get all this stuff sold tommorrow...so that I can get the money needed to bless some ministries, and pay the bills.
Because God doesn't want to see me fail...right?

Feeling the need to vent..part 1

okay, so things in general suck majorly right now. My electric bill is due on the 29th, or else they will be turning off my service. The wonderful online college that I thought I was going into ASAP? their not so great right now, and it's been over a month since I paid them my hard earned cash in thought of returning back only to be held back from returning because everyone at the school is a douche bag. They aren't getting anything right, and for once, I'm doing what they're asking me to do. Now, they're asking me to do more, and I couldn't be more pissed. I never had to work this hard for financial aid in all my life! Why such the run-around? I couldn't be more pissed.
And, I'm off of welfare. At first, I thought that was a blessing from God, but now, it seems to be hurting my family even more. yes, we have food to eat, but we're running low, and if we don't get some sort of decent food in this house by next week, we will be completely out of food(aside from the canned things).
I need money to pay my bills, and I need food to feed my kids. Just when I think that GOd is going to bless me, I get all this, a snowball effect of crap. I couldn't be more pissed.
I'm trying not to tell anyone about this recent turn of events. Because, I'm trying to have faith that GOd is going to supply for my family. But, right at this very moment, after getting an e-mail from the college saying they need MORE things from me, I'm on the verge of tears. I'm holding it bakc as we speak.
My phone's off, the cable and the internet are shortly following suite, and my electric is on the verge of being terminated! I have no health insurance, I'm not even sure how on earth I'm going to pay my rent for this month, and we're running out of food.
I thought the blessing of God were underway,after all, I was doing all that I could. I know, I'm going to have to keep jumping through hoops in order to get my financial aid. I really need to finsish college, I'm soo close to getting an associates degree. But, why would I stop jumping through hoops with welfare, only to have to jump through hoops with financial aid? This is very upsetting for me right now. It seems like, I'm on the very edge of something good, but I'm not getting any indications of it, and I'm becoming dispaired. I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm going to get going. I'm going to try to read my Bible, hoping that God will give me some reassuring words of comfort or something. I'm about to lose my mind, and I'm not sure if I can do that anymore. I've lost so much of it as it is, trying to be with Robert sr. and overall in these past several years, that I'm not even sure I have any more to lose.
All I know is, God, if you're listening, do something!

really mad, I need a nap

I'm just wondering..I have three kids..and during my period, I'm not the greatest mom. Should I really have more kids? I'm not even sure if I'm raising the ones i already have somewhat right!
I just saw this thing on the internet. It was talking about the families with the large kids, and how not everything is peachy-keen. That sort-of alarmed me. I know things can't be as great for everyone that has a bunch of kids, but it really got me thinking...am i really the kind of woman that could be a reproducing machine? I don't mean to say it like that, but I'm wondering if i can really handle all the stress and patience that the women who do this display. I'm not sure if I can be that sort of woman. I have a lot of things I'm still working on, so I guess now is probably not the time to dwell on these things. But, I can't help it. I'm becoming doubtful of things i thought so highly of before. I hate the internet. Honestly, I need a nap. I'm tired, I only got, like, 4 hours of sleep last night. I want to sleep for the rest of the day. But, the kids don't seem to think this is such a great idea. I'm going to take a nap in about 5 more minutes. Screw that.
I'm mad and I want a nap. Now!

rainy day thoughts...

Okay, so it's raining...again. Two days of wetness,yukiness. Ugh! I know once I get the land, I'll aprreciate the rain more, but now, I'm just like...ugh. I dislike the rain, because the kids want to go out and play(or,rather, I want to go outside and let them play) and they can't. We're going to be stuck inside the house, according to weather channel, for the next several days...there goes the weekend!
Lorenzo contacted me via IM. He had to work a double(not mad anymore). Robert sr. attempted to call me AGAIN last night, like, a half hour later(still fuming at him). But, I'm not going to focus on it. I'm trying soo hard not to be mad. I need to just avoid Robert Sr. at all cost. No matter what I say or do, I just see red whenever I talk or receive a letter from him. And I hate to be mad at anyone...I'm not very good at it. I was, for the most part, always the person to befriend everyone. But, that also came with some not nice characteristics and not so nice people. You live and learn.
Okay, so...why do I bother even talking to Robert? Why did I even answer the phone? I don't know. The first time, I actually hung up intentionally. But, just like him, he called back. And even after I cursed him out, he called back again. I'm just going to do like I said, and avoid him at all cost. It shouldn't be hard...he IS in jail, after all. He's not coming out anytime soon, that is, if he does come out to US soil, anyways. Doesn't matter-even if he's released, we'll be gone by that time. He doesn't deserve to be in the babies lives.
Okay, from now on, I'm not even going to talk to him. I'm not even going to mention him anymore.At all! He doesn't exist. Period.
Well, I'm getting off track...the rain. yes, the rain. Ugh,the rain. We have to stay in. IT's windy and rainy and I'm not eating. I just don't feel like eating,does that make any sense? I thought I was always hungry. But, really, I'm not. I'm not stressed(even about the dissappointing men in my life), I'm just...not hungry. I dunno. I'm not going to dwell on it.
Well, I guess I'd better go. I really don't have anything else to say.
Mama J

Men-the Big dissapointment

okay, so today, I got slapped with not one, not two, but three men dissappointing me and my babies.
First off, Salvador called me and canceled. I wasn't too upset about that, the kids were,though. I tried to not be dissappointed myself, but it was hard. At least Lorenzo is coming, I thought.
Then, Lorenzo pulls a no-show. My kids are crushed, and I'm pissed because, naturally, I hate seeing my kids dissapointed. He didn't even bother to call! Bastard.
Finally, the mack daddy of them all- Robert sr. calls from prision. Ugh. What a wonderful way to end a night! I had to tell him, I pray, once and for all that I don't want him in the childrne's lives. I don't want him around,period. I ended the call saying to him, "Don't call, Don't write, and just go the fuck home!"
It hurts to see that I can not even rely on my male friends-the ones i didn't even sleep with- to come through for me and the kids. I wasn't expecting much-just company. Did I commit some awful sin that I don't even deserve that?
This hurts, this really hurts. But, as always, I am reminded- I can trust no man. I can only trust God. Just when I think maybe there is a chance for me to live a semi-normal life, *bam!* I'm slapped in the face by reality. I'm not meant to live the life of a 24-yr. Old. I'm not meant to have friends over,get crazy drunk and chill until one or two in the morning. That's not for me. Instead, I'm meant to be a mother, a wife, a woman of God. I'm not saying that's a bad thing- I love doing each of these God-appointed callings with all my heart. But, don't I ever get a chance to be...normal? I hear all the time of my friends who are moms,getting the chance to party, go to a club every now and again, and get drunk or high. Their childless friends come over, and they seem to have a grand old time. And I'm always the bipolar opposite- I have to have my kids 24/7, no one even asks to babysit my kids(even though I can't recount how many times I've done it for others,without even blinking an eye), I don't get to go out, I don't get to have a tiny piece of "me time"(I don't even know what I'd do if I did!). I just can't live that life, not even for a little while, even temporary. It's not as though I don't want to- the majority of me is completely content with what I have, and what I want to happen soon. But a small inclining of me just wants a small piece of that, of that balance between being seen as a "suzi homemaker" mom and just being "jenn". If only for a little while, but I'm not even entittled to that.
Oh,well. It was fun while it lasted. Even if it was just a day. I guess I should count my blessing while I had them. Thank you, God, for tha small piece of normalacy. Even if it was short lived, thank you for that one chance at it.
I'd better go. I'm really pissed, mostly from talking to Robert sr.
It just reminds me of how grateful I am to be leaving this area in June.
I'd better go .
Mama J

i'm bored

Okay, so....I'm bored. Out of my mind. beyond reasoning. The kids are watching dora the explorer, and I'm sitting here on the computer, doing..nothing of grand importance. I'm waiting for wrestling to come on, like we do every friday.
Yesterday was..interesting. I met up with a friend from high school I haven't seen in almost 6 years. We used to poke at each other all the time, and it was the 6 years never happened. I also invited my friend, salvador, over, and it was neat. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was acting my age. I got sort of drunk, I stayed up until 1:30 am, and I had two guys at my house(okay, on e was gay, and the other...a big question mark). Regardless, it's the most non-child involved activity my house has seen in some time. And it nice. I just wished it didn't have to happen on a school night for Solstice. The kids were ticked at me when I tried to wake them up this morning.
I guess...I don't know. A part of me wants to get this, a part of wants to do this sort of stuff. But the majority knows, I've seen through family members and friends where this can lead. I don't really need to go through all this again. But I guess every once in awhile shouldn't hurt, right(?)
I'm not sleeping with anyone(for once!) and I'm really starting to enjoy being single again. Not having the drama of dealing with another little boy trying to act like he's a man's problems. Actually focusing on my kids, and meaning it. Mostly, I'm anxious to start the married life, but I know I still have kinks of my own to work out. I'm not completely rushing it. For once, I'm actually content being single. It can only be God working in my heart that did this. I couldn't of done this on my own.
So...my friend,Lorenzo, is supposed to come over tonight..actually soon. He's going to watch wrestling with us. It's nice to have a male friend that I haven't slept with, you know(how slutty does that sound?!?) that isn't gay or already married. And just hang out,nothing expected.
Anyways, this is great. Salvador canceled on me(loser!Just Kidding! ) but, I'm not completely upset. He has his own friday night routine...i think he goes bowling, or something. Well, that's good.
But you know what? I really do enjoy my life as it's going right now. I know I still need to work on somethings, but mostly, I'm more at ease than before. Before, everything used to stress me out..everything. I know if I was the same person I was before, I'd be freaking out about what I'd think Lorenzo might expect of me by coming over. Because, whether anyone likes to admit it or not, I was a slut. It's so refreshing(really!) to admit that without feeling the need to cry my eyes out. It's also nice to meet a guy that really doesn't want to hang out with hidden motives. He's not looking, and neither am I. This is new, and it's great! I hope that until I move, we can hang out more. I really miss hanging out with people that aren't related to me, or people who talk to me mostly because I babysit their kid. I miss having single, child-free friends.
Well, it's almost time for wrestling to start. I'd better get going. I'm sure something of some kind needs to be cleaned.
I'd better go
To God be the glory!
Mama J

seeing what's ahead and not behind

okay, so I just read a message,or devotionsal of sorts, about how,despite our current situation, if we focus on what's ahead, then we will become stronger in God.
So, my mind jumped into visions of what I want my soon-to-future to look like. I thought I would record them here, so that during times that satan throws an obstacle in my face, I'll know it's just him trying to make me lose sight of what God has in store. By putting it here, I'll remember-which is something i all too often forget in times of crisis.
First off, God wants me to go to White Bird, Idaho. I don't know why, exactly, and I don't care. It's a very tiny town, but it looks like one where people really help eachother out. It's a farm town, and it looks just lovely.
I'm going to own the home that's on 202 Center Canyon Road, white Bird, Idaho 83554. That is MY home, that is MY LAND, because God shall supply all my needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus. He wants me to have that land, because, that's the land I will use to farm, to re-build into the duggar model home, and to get married and adopt/birth lots of children in.
God wants me to finish college. He doesn't want me to be a drop-out in college-He wants me to succeed! He wants me to get my degree in Communications. He wants me to write a magazine for teenagers- and it will be called CT(Christian Teen) magazine. I also wwant to start the cartoon "MoNa(mother Nature)" which will result in a comic/saturday morning cartoon. It's mission- to let teens know, life's tough, you may make mistakes, but God is on you side. Your faith is an everyday process, and progress in Christ takes time. No one is perfect. But we can all strive for it in Christ Jesus!
God has my husband somewhere in Idaho. The husband who is puts God first, loves his family with all his heart, and works hard to ensure the greater good for his family, and community at large.
God wants me to have my inheritance of Children. He wants to bless me with children from my womb(He WILL provide the money needed to untie my tubes!), and from adoption as well. He does not want my womb to be barren, he has blessed me with 3 children to prepare me for the many more he is planning to bless me with. "Children are an inheritance of the Lord.."
God is going to bless our home and farm. Our farm will be rich in fruits and vegetables, our animals will be fruitful and multiply,and the land will prosper. We will sell a large portion of the produce, and use this as a valuable lesson in buisness for the children.
God wants my children to be homeschooled. "teach a child in the ways he or she should go, and he or she will keep them all the days of their life..". God doesn't want my children to be exposed to the public school system. God wants them to thrive where they should be the most comfortable doing so-in the home.
God is going to bless our finances. He doesn't want us to stay in debt, He told us to "owe nothing to man but love". No debt there. No I.O.U's there. God wants to bless us with the finances needed to meet our basic needs, and more. He doesn't want the devil to have a foothold here- God wants me to fully trust in to meet all my family's needs. He doesn't want us to be poor.
God lovingly will provide us the 2009 white chevy suburban. Not for us to show off, but simply so that we may have a car to get us where we need to go. Also, so that we can help people to get to church that don't have a car, or don't want to drive alone.
God doesn't want to do our family bad. He wants to bless us, and bless us with all this, and more. He wants to bless us with al His heart. If you think or hear from someone something that goes against all these things, they are from satan. Rebuke them sternly.
You and your family are not meant to live in poverty. You are not "poor Jenny", that always needs help. You were God-appointed to be a SAHM. You do not need a job, God willopen the door to a grand-generating income in His time. He wants you to do melaleuca, and more. Your kids are believing, and so are you. "I can do ALL THINGS(not some things, not limited things) throught Christ who strengthens me!" If someone trys to tell you otherwise, stop talking to them. If you think anything contray to this, rebuke it ASAP! God has great plans for you. No economy, no person in heaven or elsewhere, is going to stop God. God is going to bless the Johnson Family! We are going to give God the greatest of praise and glory in the year of 2010!
Now, what are you doing to ensure you're in the spot needed to receive this? God can't do this alone- you have to meet Him and he will meet you! Amen? get going! MEET WITH GOD. Do something!

having...faith...?

okay, so despite the fact that I'm trying my best NOT to freak out about all that is going on around me..(my rent needs to be paid, we're running out of food), I'm looking into the overall cost of building a home. *gulp*
Trying to have faith that if God called me to go to Idaho, HE knows my heart. I don't want to go there, only to be in the same situation I'm in now. Because, well, what's the point in that? What's the point of moving to Idaho, only to have to obtain subsidized housing and live off the government via foodstamps and cash assistance? I want more to life than this, and I'm trying to have the faith that says that God will move me well past these obstacles, and more...towards better, before I move to IDaho. Becuase, after all, God can do all things, amen? I"m trying!
I'm trying to believe that somehow, through God's grace, we will pay off the rent, and give the landlord a total of $1000.00. I'm having faith, that, somehow, the financial aid will get pulled through today(even though I've said that for two weeks now) and I'll be closer to obtaining more food for the family, and using whatever is left to pay the debt. I'm trying to have the faith that, I told this friend of mine(lydia) that I was moving despite the fact that nothing is in place to ensure that, and ,hey, she can come along for the ride(because she wants to move to IDaho, too). Even though I haven't a clue as to how I'm getting there, much less where we'll live...I"m having faith that God will supply all this,a nd more, somehow. Because, if God can bless people as the wonderful ministers on Tv say He can, then I', going to believe. They have the Bible verses to support it, I just have to memorize them, say them in my heart, make the plans, and believe. In the Name of Jesus, this is all already mine! I receive it! I will not give into doubt of my God! I will not believe that GOd called me out of PA only to grant me the same scenario in Idaho..my God has good in store for me, not bad! *sigh* having faith to move these moutains. The mountains of debt, the moutains of poverty, the mountains of denial...I'm praying to God He will give me the faith, the wisdom, the faith, to have all these things take place. In Jesus name!
Okay, I'm going to go now. Everything in God's time, not mine. Everything in God's Glorious time. *sigh*
I'd better go.
I pray that by the end of this week, I will have some physical proof to back up the things I see in my spirit.

Am I in over my head??

Okay, so I've been praying to God and I heard my answer. God's calling me back to school online(got it!). He wants me to do Melaleuca(working on it!). He's calling me to homeschool(doing, for the msot part,great!). But, as I look at myself now, I'm wondering if this is really GOd's will, or I just so selfish that this is what ITHINK God should be telling me to do?
AM I so in over (in my own) head that I'm not following God's will, but rather, my own selfish desires?
I'm really not cxompletely sure. For so long, I thought...no, I was certain that God was calling me to get married to Robert. Well, either He was and I'm not obeying, or I was just heaing what I wanted to hear(inside my own head). I'd like to think God wasn't so mean to make me attempt to fix what wasn't complete-I'd like to think that was one instance where it was all in my own head and not the "will of God".
But what about now? Am I doing all I should be? I mean, going to school online would be a blessing,because, well, I do need to finish my degree. I do, it would tremendously help my family. I could write books in the comfort of my own home, have an income, and homeschool my babies without having to take them to some daycare center where they're open for sicknesses they don't need, germs they can't shake and learning activites from their peers I'd rather they didn't.
And,Melaleuca? I have to admit, I love the products, but I'm a little aprrehensive about the attempting to sell products to people-thing. I can't even confide in my friends about God's love without my nerves getting tense! Is God really calling me to step out of what I know, what I believe to be me, for an even better me, or is this me just wishful thinking?
And homeschooling-at first, I was sooo pumped about doing this. I've dreamed about this for years,ever since I could imagine myself having kids and being a SAHM.
"Even though the world may shake and crumble...You are always God."
Okay, where did that come from? oh, Psalm 46. We read that as our Family devotion thismorning.
I'm being silly. I can't believe I doubted! This is God's will for my life, for my family. Nothing but good things can happen if I do this. I know, bad things can happen, but the're not forever. The situation I'm in now, the stress I was feeling just a moment ago is but temporary. "This,too,shall pass"-that's in the Bible, although I'm not sure where.
I guess, with my current situation(I owe $720 to my landlord, and almost$600 to the electric company), got me to thinking if I'm doing the right things. Of course I am! God has given me a spirit of comfort, of reassuance of this. I can't let my current problems affect my long-term goals. God has called me to do these things, and it's up to me to lean on Him. God knows what's best for me, and who am I to argue with the Maker of the Universe? God will make a way out of my current situation, I just have to have faith and believe He will.
Lord, forgive me for my lack of faith.
I'd better go. I'm going to update my old post from when I didn't have internet later today.
Until then, I'd better go.