Well, this is another one to go under the rant and rave category.
Lately, I've read several articles and magazine, from 'christian' SAHM's, their husbands, authors, etc. I see a re-occuring trend..the all-too-often quoted Bible verse that says, "Wives, submit to your husbands..". I see that this is a very poular trend. Submit, submit, submit. Okay, enough of that,already...
But why is it that I don't see the rest of the passage there? I've double checked, and in NONE of the blogs/websites/articles, do they mention the rest.
The rest says, "and husbands, love and care for your wives, just as Christ did for the church" or something to that effect. It also mentions the role that children play..but that's another blog entry, for another day.
Why is it that all these 'christian' places focus on is the wife being submissive? what about the husband's role as treating her fairly and like a queen?(okay, that part was my own words, but I know from song of songs that if a man is to treat his wife as anything, he should be looking into that book of the Bible- Solomon was very devouted to his wife!)
I'm just a lil..(okay a LOT) peeve'd at the fact that since men run the church(not that I'm saying that's entirely wrong, to a fault), they have used and abused this passage for reasons to be dominate over their wives...and sometimes, abusive. Why on Earth would they only focus on one half of the equation?
So, I get it...wives are supposed to submit. But husbands are supposed to exalt her, and care for her and polish her up, and make her sparkly(once again, my own words-based on this particular Bible verse). Is wife rebellion more common than husband abuse? I don't have research, but I'm almost certain that's not the case. I'm almost certain that husbands have more of a problem using and in some cases abusing their dominance in a marraige.
I do wish that more of these "quiverfull" and other conservative christians would make it more of a point to draw attention to the entire verse, not just a fractionof it. When God blesses me as a husband, I pray that he is not a man that focuses solely on one fraction of the verse, but the entire thing.
If God is calling me to have more children and all that, I'll do it. But I'm not going to only pay attention to a fraction of a verse simply because that's what everyone else in the 'conservative' christian world is doing. If God does bless me with some sort of ministry, I want to bring up this valid point up as much as the churches will allow me, and more.
I'm just not feeling kosher with the idea that all that passage is used for is simply to make wives be 'submissive' and nothing more. While husbands are sittingon high and mighty throwns, having the last say about everything...screw that!!
If ANY man thinks I'm going to be one of those quiet, simple wives that blindly follow whatever they say...think again, buddy!! that AIN'T me.
God has some work to do with this wild spirit formely known as me...hehehe.
I'd better go.
Friday, April 30, 2010
If I had a millon dollars, part two
Okay, after thinking this over some more, I have found out that I have left out some very important things I wanted to do when I win a millon dollars.
Hopefully, this is the last of the reversions of the list..
Helping others-
I would put $100,000 to tithing to churches and ministries. I would put another $100,000 towards building a new 4/5 star daycare near career link, one that is open 24/7. I would give $300 to each of the following people: Rose, Fanny, Nicole and Natasha's mom, Jeaneke and Taj, the nice lady in apartment #114, the neighbor up the road who gave us green beans and a ride or two, the neighbors who used to let us go through their yard in order to take the bus(2 of them), to Mrs. Colamarino, and I would give Gary from Career Link $500, because he believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. Lastly, I would use $700 or less to hire some moving guys and pack up and move all the old furniture and house supplies from this apartment, and take them/unload them at goodwill.
Helping extended family-
I would give $10,000 to each of the families- dad/emily, aunt Jon Ann, and Jodi/Al(total $30,000). Lastly, I would put aside $14,000($2,000 per child) for nieces and knewphews and cousins(jodi's kids and aunt Jon ann's kids) into a college fund.
Helping the Kids/Me/Buisness-
I would $75,000 to buying the house and land in White Bird, Idaho. I would use $300,000 towards building the Duggar-style home(with my improvements). I would use $700 to move(since I wouldn't be taking anything with me, I'd probably just take me and the kids and take the bus). I would use $20,000 towards buying new furniture and household supplies, since I gave everything I owned in PA to Goodwill. Once I got to Idaho, I would go and use $50,000 towards buying a 2010 chevy suburban, and 5 years worth of car insurance. I would put $20,000 towards paying off all debts, $100,000 towards farming buisness and supplies, $90,000 for Children's college fund, $15,000 for me to finish college/training( would like to get some training in Agricultural, Cosmotology, Writting, and Buisness). I would also use $15,000 towards homeschool supplies. I would put aside $36,000 so that I could have 1 year's worth of income to pay bills,etc. until I'm able to profit from my farming and daycare,etc. Lastly, I would put aside about $800-$1000(depending on what's left over) to have fun with- go on a shopping spree, get everyone's hair done, etc.
Helping Future Generations-
I would put $28,000 into a high intrest savings account(depending on the overall cost of everything else..the range must be between $20,000-$28,000.)
That is what I would spend a millon dollars on. Yipee!!
Hopefully, I won't think of anything else to spend/save this money on...
I did figure, however, if God ever blesses me with more(like, 2 million or higher at one time), then I would probably put the remaming towards building the daycare better, or having more locations. And maybe I'd open up some book stores, and churches,or something. And also, to offer a nation-wide training program of some kind, to help increase the economy.
Save some, and offer the rest towards Churches and minitries. That would be about it. I don't need millons of millons of dollars. I would just absolutely need one millon. Anything after that would just be put aside(for future generations), or used for buisness purposes.
That's it. I'm done.
Hopefully, this is the last of the reversions of the list..
Helping others-
I would put $100,000 to tithing to churches and ministries. I would put another $100,000 towards building a new 4/5 star daycare near career link, one that is open 24/7. I would give $300 to each of the following people: Rose, Fanny, Nicole and Natasha's mom, Jeaneke and Taj, the nice lady in apartment #114, the neighbor up the road who gave us green beans and a ride or two, the neighbors who used to let us go through their yard in order to take the bus(2 of them), to Mrs. Colamarino, and I would give Gary from Career Link $500, because he believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. Lastly, I would use $700 or less to hire some moving guys and pack up and move all the old furniture and house supplies from this apartment, and take them/unload them at goodwill.
Helping extended family-
I would give $10,000 to each of the families- dad/emily, aunt Jon Ann, and Jodi/Al(total $30,000). Lastly, I would put aside $14,000($2,000 per child) for nieces and knewphews and cousins(jodi's kids and aunt Jon ann's kids) into a college fund.
Helping the Kids/Me/Buisness-
I would $75,000 to buying the house and land in White Bird, Idaho. I would use $300,000 towards building the Duggar-style home(with my improvements). I would use $700 to move(since I wouldn't be taking anything with me, I'd probably just take me and the kids and take the bus). I would use $20,000 towards buying new furniture and household supplies, since I gave everything I owned in PA to Goodwill. Once I got to Idaho, I would go and use $50,000 towards buying a 2010 chevy suburban, and 5 years worth of car insurance. I would put $20,000 towards paying off all debts, $100,000 towards farming buisness and supplies, $90,000 for Children's college fund, $15,000 for me to finish college/training( would like to get some training in Agricultural, Cosmotology, Writting, and Buisness). I would also use $15,000 towards homeschool supplies. I would put aside $36,000 so that I could have 1 year's worth of income to pay bills,etc. until I'm able to profit from my farming and daycare,etc. Lastly, I would put aside about $800-$1000(depending on what's left over) to have fun with- go on a shopping spree, get everyone's hair done, etc.
Helping Future Generations-
I would put $28,000 into a high intrest savings account(depending on the overall cost of everything else..the range must be between $20,000-$28,000.)
That is what I would spend a millon dollars on. Yipee!!
Hopefully, I won't think of anything else to spend/save this money on...
I did figure, however, if God ever blesses me with more(like, 2 million or higher at one time), then I would probably put the remaming towards building the daycare better, or having more locations. And maybe I'd open up some book stores, and churches,or something. And also, to offer a nation-wide training program of some kind, to help increase the economy.
Save some, and offer the rest towards Churches and minitries. That would be about it. I don't need millons of millons of dollars. I would just absolutely need one millon. Anything after that would just be put aside(for future generations), or used for buisness purposes.
That's it. I'm done.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Alternative plans
Well, since it's april 26th and I"m not sure of what God is going to do/ not going to do...And since he has yet to prove me right, and make me not look like a foll, I have to do what I would normally do in regards to planning- make alternative plans.
Okay, first off...I'm thinking I might at some point join the military. I'll have to lose weight, and I might have to find a way to do so with my children, but..I'm thinking about this. I'm waiting for the army and the marines,etc. to contact me to answer my questions. I'll keep you updated once I hear something.
Second, I might have to sell everything I have so that I can just take a bus to Idaho. I"m not sure of what's to come, but, it's almost may, and I'm panicking. I don't want to, but I really thought I would've received something from God by now. Something to confirm my move, something physical...like financial aid money, a contest win..something!! But since I heard nothing, I'm not sure of what exactly to do. If worse comes to worse, I may have to try and sell everything, and what I can't sell...I'll just have to leave behind. It breaks my heart to think this way, but I told these kids God would make a way...it's not june yet, but I can't wait any longer.
If I get the financial aid money, then I'll just have to use the money to move. Whatever happens after that...is a big question mark. I'll probably have to find a job and put the kids in daycare, but I just don't know yet.
Third, and final resort, I might have to find a way to vegas, and...*shudders to think*...I might have to attempt and join the bunny ranch, or some other brothrel, and do prostitution until I earn the money to...pay for a house, and what not. If this option is the only thing left for me to, I'll have to do it for the entire summer to earn the money. I'm praying God won't let that happen...I'm praying he just gives me a million dollars, and will be done with it.
If I have to work, actually take a job and all that, and put the kids in daycare..I will need therapy. I don't want to put them in daycare..again!! I don't my kids in public school, I don't want my kids learning bad habits and all that...I want to home school them, be there for them at all times(which, I won't be able to do if I get a job),.....I want to be there, homeschooling my kids, taking them to dance and karate,sports and all that. Have time to make everything from scratch9food wise), and take care of my home. But I also need a million dollars to do this. A million dollars would cover the cost of the land i want, the cars i want, putting money away for the children to go to college, etc.
Well, I had to record all this before I forget. And if I do have to work a normal job and put the kdis in childcare, I will probably have to work 2 jobs, because I won't be able to afford all this on my own...a home, food,daycare,etc.!!
Maybe the military will just take me as I am. Maybe they will just say to me, lose some weight, we'll take you with the kids once you lose the weight...I'd be okay with that. I like to be a big girl, but...if need be, I'd rather try and lose weight in order to get into something that would give me and the kids better oppertunities, than have to...sell my body...*shudder*...
We'll see. I'm tired as heck. I'd better go and check my e-mail...
I'll write as soon as the recruiters call me, which will probably be real soon.
Okay, first off...I'm thinking I might at some point join the military. I'll have to lose weight, and I might have to find a way to do so with my children, but..I'm thinking about this. I'm waiting for the army and the marines,etc. to contact me to answer my questions. I'll keep you updated once I hear something.
Second, I might have to sell everything I have so that I can just take a bus to Idaho. I"m not sure of what's to come, but, it's almost may, and I'm panicking. I don't want to, but I really thought I would've received something from God by now. Something to confirm my move, something physical...like financial aid money, a contest win..something!! But since I heard nothing, I'm not sure of what exactly to do. If worse comes to worse, I may have to try and sell everything, and what I can't sell...I'll just have to leave behind. It breaks my heart to think this way, but I told these kids God would make a way...it's not june yet, but I can't wait any longer.
If I get the financial aid money, then I'll just have to use the money to move. Whatever happens after that...is a big question mark. I'll probably have to find a job and put the kids in daycare, but I just don't know yet.
Third, and final resort, I might have to find a way to vegas, and...*shudders to think*...I might have to attempt and join the bunny ranch, or some other brothrel, and do prostitution until I earn the money to...pay for a house, and what not. If this option is the only thing left for me to, I'll have to do it for the entire summer to earn the money. I'm praying God won't let that happen...I'm praying he just gives me a million dollars, and will be done with it.
If I have to work, actually take a job and all that, and put the kids in daycare..I will need therapy. I don't want to put them in daycare..again!! I don't my kids in public school, I don't want my kids learning bad habits and all that...I want to home school them, be there for them at all times(which, I won't be able to do if I get a job),.....I want to be there, homeschooling my kids, taking them to dance and karate,sports and all that. Have time to make everything from scratch9food wise), and take care of my home. But I also need a million dollars to do this. A million dollars would cover the cost of the land i want, the cars i want, putting money away for the children to go to college, etc.
Well, I had to record all this before I forget. And if I do have to work a normal job and put the kdis in childcare, I will probably have to work 2 jobs, because I won't be able to afford all this on my own...a home, food,daycare,etc.!!
Maybe the military will just take me as I am. Maybe they will just say to me, lose some weight, we'll take you with the kids once you lose the weight...I'd be okay with that. I like to be a big girl, but...if need be, I'd rather try and lose weight in order to get into something that would give me and the kids better oppertunities, than have to...sell my body...*shudder*...
We'll see. I'm tired as heck. I'd better go and check my e-mail...
I'll write as soon as the recruiters call me, which will probably be real soon.
Friday, April 23, 2010
I just don't know...
Today, I have received yet another e-mail saying that I need to fill out paperwork for the financial aid process. I told them the last time that if that was the last time that I fill out the form and send it to them. I'm mad, I don't even want to fill it out...and get my hopes up. It seems like someone is making my life into some sort of sick joke. Especially when it comes to money.
To top things off, this morning, as I was leaving from Solstice's bus stop, one of the mom's found $100 on the ground. And then, because she's so nice..she asked if anyone lost their money! DO you know how bad I wanted to claim that! I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.."IT'S MINE!!!" but for whatever reason, I didn't.
Oh, yes, if God has a sense of humor, he must really be chucking it up right about now. Come, let's all laugh at Jennafer's misfortunes...hahahahahahahhahahaha!
I could just cry. I want so badly to cry. Just when I think God is blessingme with something...I get thrown bad down into cursings. Why, God, why?! I really could've used that money, too. It would've bought us a lot of food..or paid the rent..or, well, anything!!
I'm just not sure about today. I'm not really feeling this day...to start off a day like this, I just want to throw my hands up and scream, "WHY GOD, WHY?!?!"
I'm not sure if I want to attempt to fill out the form for financial aid. I'm not sure of what I'm going to do anymore. Just when I think I have all the plans in order...things are going from bad to worse.
Oh, and I've cheated on my celebacy plan again. Just when I thought I would be okay, I met someone(a lady) online, and I thought I we were relating about how much life sucks, only for her to start talking dirty to me...ugh. I didn't even want to do it, but then I got into it, and...i masterbated. I'm just going to avoid all people online(no more IM-ing,except on facebook and singlesnet, and AOL) and no more talking to people I don't know online.
I have found out..all anyone in chat rooms do is want sex...cyber sex. I can't believe how bad it's gotten since those times I used to do it so long ago. It feels like forever now, that I used to go into a chat room, and people used to actually talk. Back then, I thought it was bad when people were trying to find a boyfriend/girlfriend on those chats!! Look at how much worse it has got! yikes!!
I just can't believe it. Well, I might not be going on any of them..except for facebook and AOL(only because I know two people on there, and everyone on facebook I know). I'm sick in the stomach over it....I can't believe how much sex is in these chat rooms. ugh.
And here I am, thinking that I might go into the sex trade....
it's not that I wouldn't do it...if something doesn't happen soon, I won't have a choice...but I really don't want to. I'd like to think of myself as something more than a hole to stick a penis in. *sigh*...I just don't know waht to do anymore. I'm at a lost. I don't want to return to working a normal job, because I know it won't work out..the kids are too young, with them going to daycare and all...I'd lose hours, and with me not having welfare...I'd have to apy for their daycare. Plus, food and rent and bills...if I don't get to finish college, I'll be living here in this hellhole forever. My kids will be raised in poverty, and I'll die a poor woman, with nothing to pass onto my children but poverty. I don't want this life, God!! I want what I can see in my dreams...why can't it just happen already?!?! Why can't I be blessed beyond measure?!?!
I have to go...I'm feeling the tears in the back of my eyes returning...I don't want to cry anymore...I have to go before i do.
To top things off, this morning, as I was leaving from Solstice's bus stop, one of the mom's found $100 on the ground. And then, because she's so nice..she asked if anyone lost their money! DO you know how bad I wanted to claim that! I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.."IT'S MINE!!!" but for whatever reason, I didn't.
Oh, yes, if God has a sense of humor, he must really be chucking it up right about now. Come, let's all laugh at Jennafer's misfortunes...hahahahahahahhahahaha!
I could just cry. I want so badly to cry. Just when I think God is blessingme with something...I get thrown bad down into cursings. Why, God, why?! I really could've used that money, too. It would've bought us a lot of food..or paid the rent..or, well, anything!!
I'm just not sure about today. I'm not really feeling this day...to start off a day like this, I just want to throw my hands up and scream, "WHY GOD, WHY?!?!"
I'm not sure if I want to attempt to fill out the form for financial aid. I'm not sure of what I'm going to do anymore. Just when I think I have all the plans in order...things are going from bad to worse.
Oh, and I've cheated on my celebacy plan again. Just when I thought I would be okay, I met someone(a lady) online, and I thought I we were relating about how much life sucks, only for her to start talking dirty to me...ugh. I didn't even want to do it, but then I got into it, and...i masterbated. I'm just going to avoid all people online(no more IM-ing,except on facebook and singlesnet, and AOL) and no more talking to people I don't know online.
I have found out..all anyone in chat rooms do is want sex...cyber sex. I can't believe how bad it's gotten since those times I used to do it so long ago. It feels like forever now, that I used to go into a chat room, and people used to actually talk. Back then, I thought it was bad when people were trying to find a boyfriend/girlfriend on those chats!! Look at how much worse it has got! yikes!!
I just can't believe it. Well, I might not be going on any of them..except for facebook and AOL(only because I know two people on there, and everyone on facebook I know). I'm sick in the stomach over it....I can't believe how much sex is in these chat rooms. ugh.
And here I am, thinking that I might go into the sex trade....
it's not that I wouldn't do it...if something doesn't happen soon, I won't have a choice...but I really don't want to. I'd like to think of myself as something more than a hole to stick a penis in. *sigh*...I just don't know waht to do anymore. I'm at a lost. I don't want to return to working a normal job, because I know it won't work out..the kids are too young, with them going to daycare and all...I'd lose hours, and with me not having welfare...I'd have to apy for their daycare. Plus, food and rent and bills...if I don't get to finish college, I'll be living here in this hellhole forever. My kids will be raised in poverty, and I'll die a poor woman, with nothing to pass onto my children but poverty. I don't want this life, God!! I want what I can see in my dreams...why can't it just happen already?!?! Why can't I be blessed beyond measure?!?!
I have to go...I'm feeling the tears in the back of my eyes returning...I don't want to cry anymore...I have to go before i do.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Accounting- part 1
Okay, just dropping a line...
Solstice's father came by just a little while ago. Before leaving, he handed me $60.
Keeping account of it, so that if God really is trying to meet all my needs according to what His word said, I have record of it. Thank You, God!!!
and on top of that, Rasheid said that he might need me to do babysitting. Even if it doesn't work out...it's stilla reason to celebrate. THANK YOU GOD!!!!
Amen.
Today- profit- $60.
Oh,, and let's not forget...I also noticed in one of my survey websites...I had enough points to cash in...a whopping $11!!! Who-hooo!!!
I'm going to wait to cash it in, until I get more surveys and points for more money.
So, technically, total profit today- $71.00
Now, how to spend the $60???
Hmmmm....lol
Thank You, God!! I feel giddy. Let' s just pray that GOd will come up with the rest...of the millon dollars...hope against hope....
AMEN!!
Solstice's father came by just a little while ago. Before leaving, he handed me $60.
Keeping account of it, so that if God really is trying to meet all my needs according to what His word said, I have record of it. Thank You, God!!!
and on top of that, Rasheid said that he might need me to do babysitting. Even if it doesn't work out...it's stilla reason to celebrate. THANK YOU GOD!!!!
Amen.
Today- profit- $60.
Oh,, and let's not forget...I also noticed in one of my survey websites...I had enough points to cash in...a whopping $11!!! Who-hooo!!!
I'm going to wait to cash it in, until I get more surveys and points for more money.
So, technically, total profit today- $71.00
Now, how to spend the $60???
Hmmmm....lol
Thank You, God!! I feel giddy. Let' s just pray that GOd will come up with the rest...of the millon dollars...hope against hope....
AMEN!!
Pissed...very,very pissed...
I just got one bad thing after another happening right now. I am very,very pissed about the turn of events. As much as I've tried to ignore it, as much as I've tried to pray and focus on the future things...there's no denying it now...it's hit me full force, I'm overwhelmed, and I'm not hearing anything from what I thought was God. What gives?
Okay, so I'm really upset right now. Really upset. I've done something I knew I shouldn't have, and now I'm not feeling guilty or sad about it...I really thought I would. But, I don't feel anything right now. Except angry.
Last night, I allowed myself to go into "my fleshy desires". I caved into doing cyber sex, and contacting the bunny ranch. And I thought something inside me would say or feel bad, say, "STOP!!!" but all I felt was calmness. Isn't that weird? I felt calm in the midst of doing something bad.
You know what? Right now, I'm mad at God. I'm really mad at God. He sees my children, and all they want to do. And I've prayed and prayed for so long for Him to bless them. Not just with food and clothing this apartment..but with a house, financial stability. In return, we are BARELY staying alive. I stopped eating breakfast on the weekdays, and some weekends, so that we have enough breakfast foods to last the whole week. We stopped eating snacks in the morning, and I've stopped giving sides for lunch. It's that bad..
I know I should be thankful for the little we have..but I"m mad. I've read my Bible too much, taught my children God's ways for too long, and prayed too hard for this little yield. I'm investing all this stuff, and it's like, God just keeps us alive to do it all over again. Barely living. What kind of life is that?!
I'm losing my faith...I'm losing my trust in God. And it hurts. The one person that can do anything isn't doing anything for my family. He's not blessing us like he blessed those stupid televanglist say he does on tv. He's blessing them, and he's not blessing us. Why? I'm not trying to bes selfish...really, I'm not. Everything that I'm asking for is to do His "purpose" for my life and the lives of my children. I want so badly to be a SAHM. I want soo badly to homeschool my kids, and have all the supplies needed to do so. I want a farm, a husband, to move to Idaho. I'd tithe. I'd be a part of the church. I'd show my children of God's love the best way I can. I'd be a damn good wife. I don't want all this for my own benefit...I want to use what God blesses me with to glorify him. Even the car I'm praying for...I even planned on using it to drive people to church and the elderly to their errands...honest. I don't want a car simply for my own families benefit. I want to use to volunteer at an animal shelter, to bring people to church, to minister the best way I can to the elderly. The farm, I'd use to teach my children responsibility, to homeschool them in they ways of Christ, and to be more self-sufficient. Also, it would open the door for us to do another form of ministry- adoption. I'd love nothing more to open up our home to a hurting child that's been tossed aside in the adoption/foster care system. To point them to God.My husband...I'd encourage him in God, and vice versa. I would fufill my wifely duties, cook,clean, and be the best wife I can be, as God has said in His word to do. Even me going to college for communications has a purpose...so that I can write inspirational books and comics to point people to God.
Everything I desire has a purpose in some way that points to God.
And yet, I'm not seeing anything from God. Nothing that says, "i see you...I want to bless you."
Nothing. Aside from the breath of life, which I"m grateful for, I know He could bless us with more. Much more. Look at the people who don't acknowledge Him as their lord and savior..they're the ones getting the million dollars, the blessings9whether they be from God or not), they're the ones who needs are all met. It makes me sick, and it also makes me angry.
How is it that these people get the blessings, and here I am, trying soo hard to receive, to be in the place to get my blessing, and all I see are empty hands?! Why should I ahve to drag my kids outside to far distances, to take the bus, when back when I wasn't even acknowledging God, had a car and a semi-decent job?! I feel like I'm being made a fool for God. I also feel like I'm doing all this for nothing. All this hoping and dreaming...for nothing.
I've applied at schools online. Twice. Both times, I felt like it was God's purpose, for me to finsh college. I used hard-earned tax return money to pay off the one college. Only to not get the process rolling. Every time I apply, I'm selected for verification. ANd everytime I do that, complete the paperwork, and think I'm finally going to reap the benefits of getting a degree and the financial aid to pay for things until I finish my degree....I get slapped in the face with mroe obstacles. More lost paperwork. More time being wasted for nothing.
I"m babysitting. I thought that was going to be such a blessing for our family, considering the time frame that I got the job. But, all it is barely making us able to live. I then got a call about being able to babysit during the wekends. I was so thrilled- I thought, God's finally listening! Only for the job to not happen every weekend. I've sat at home, on weekends, waiting, when I could've done something else, only for a no-show. Only 3 x's have I received the job. IT upsets me.
I've doing survey's online. At first, I thought...finally! a chance to earn more income! Only for the survey's not being able to load on my computer, and when they do, I'm not eligible for them.
Every time I attempt something that I think to myself..."finally, God's blessing us!" I get sidestepped and trampled on in my effort.
So, I'm doing this. I'm demanding God bless me with a millon dollars by the end of this month. If he doesn't, then I will no longer be held accountable to Him. I will no longer allwo myself to follow what He' s telling me. I even said that I might go and join the bunny ranch...if they take me, that is. I'll also consider doing phone sex for pay. I really don't want to go down that road...but what else am I going to do? If I go and try to work, all I'll get is a minimum wage job, with stupid people and hours that I can't work because of lack of daycare.
I can't go to traditional college, because all but one of them I owe money to. The one I could go for absolutely free, my parents won't agree to do the paperwork for me to go.
I can't go and move to IDaho, because I don't have the money to do so. Because...guess what? God told me to go, but didn't provide the money for me to do so.
I need to lay down...I'm so mad and angry and...not liking the way things are going right now. My life is supposed to be a testament of God's endless love for our family...and instead, it's being made into a laughing stock. My family is shaking theri heads at me, and what am I to say or do? I'm not doing what they want me to do, I'm trying os hard to follow what I believe is God's voice...and I'm being made a fool, my kids are dragged further and further int o poverty, and the rich are still being made richer. What gives?!
I can't keep doing this. GOd, if You hear me...this is the last straw. I didn't leave the ways of old to go into Your ways and be made a fool of in the process! I demand a millon dollars by the end of this month!!! I promise not to spend it foolishly. I will tithe $100,000 of it. I will use it to glorify you're name. BLESS MY FAMILY WITH A MILLON DOLLARS!!!
BLESS US WITH A MILLON DOLLARS, IN JESUS' NAME!!!
I"m going to get going. I don't know what He, if "HE" exists, is planning on doing, but I know what I'm going to do if my request aren't made. I know if I don't get blessed, I know that will mean total withdrawl from God. No more prayers, Bible readings, or listening. NO more pretending everything is okay when it's not. NO more waiting around for God to bless us.
God, if you're reading this, you know all that I'm capable of. You see my heart, adn you know all that I want to do to bring glory and my family to You. Don't allow this to happen, please? don't allow me to withdraw...I don't want to do that. I don't want to give up on you, or the hope you have provided my family. I want this family to glorify you in everything. BLESS US WITH A MILLON DOLLARS!!!
I"m going to go now. I leave it all until the end of the month.
After that....I don't know what I'm going to do.
But I know it will mean changes. Changes that I don't want to make. But changes, if my hand is forced, I must make.
please don't let this happen, Lord. Please don't allow this trajedy to come upon my family. bless us!!
I have to go now.
Will God answer this demanding prayer? Only God knows the answer to that...
Okay, so I'm really upset right now. Really upset. I've done something I knew I shouldn't have, and now I'm not feeling guilty or sad about it...I really thought I would. But, I don't feel anything right now. Except angry.
Last night, I allowed myself to go into "my fleshy desires". I caved into doing cyber sex, and contacting the bunny ranch. And I thought something inside me would say or feel bad, say, "STOP!!!" but all I felt was calmness. Isn't that weird? I felt calm in the midst of doing something bad.
You know what? Right now, I'm mad at God. I'm really mad at God. He sees my children, and all they want to do. And I've prayed and prayed for so long for Him to bless them. Not just with food and clothing this apartment..but with a house, financial stability. In return, we are BARELY staying alive. I stopped eating breakfast on the weekdays, and some weekends, so that we have enough breakfast foods to last the whole week. We stopped eating snacks in the morning, and I've stopped giving sides for lunch. It's that bad..
I know I should be thankful for the little we have..but I"m mad. I've read my Bible too much, taught my children God's ways for too long, and prayed too hard for this little yield. I'm investing all this stuff, and it's like, God just keeps us alive to do it all over again. Barely living. What kind of life is that?!
I'm losing my faith...I'm losing my trust in God. And it hurts. The one person that can do anything isn't doing anything for my family. He's not blessing us like he blessed those stupid televanglist say he does on tv. He's blessing them, and he's not blessing us. Why? I'm not trying to bes selfish...really, I'm not. Everything that I'm asking for is to do His "purpose" for my life and the lives of my children. I want so badly to be a SAHM. I want soo badly to homeschool my kids, and have all the supplies needed to do so. I want a farm, a husband, to move to Idaho. I'd tithe. I'd be a part of the church. I'd show my children of God's love the best way I can. I'd be a damn good wife. I don't want all this for my own benefit...I want to use what God blesses me with to glorify him. Even the car I'm praying for...I even planned on using it to drive people to church and the elderly to their errands...honest. I don't want a car simply for my own families benefit. I want to use to volunteer at an animal shelter, to bring people to church, to minister the best way I can to the elderly. The farm, I'd use to teach my children responsibility, to homeschool them in they ways of Christ, and to be more self-sufficient. Also, it would open the door for us to do another form of ministry- adoption. I'd love nothing more to open up our home to a hurting child that's been tossed aside in the adoption/foster care system. To point them to God.My husband...I'd encourage him in God, and vice versa. I would fufill my wifely duties, cook,clean, and be the best wife I can be, as God has said in His word to do. Even me going to college for communications has a purpose...so that I can write inspirational books and comics to point people to God.
Everything I desire has a purpose in some way that points to God.
And yet, I'm not seeing anything from God. Nothing that says, "i see you...I want to bless you."
Nothing. Aside from the breath of life, which I"m grateful for, I know He could bless us with more. Much more. Look at the people who don't acknowledge Him as their lord and savior..they're the ones getting the million dollars, the blessings9whether they be from God or not), they're the ones who needs are all met. It makes me sick, and it also makes me angry.
How is it that these people get the blessings, and here I am, trying soo hard to receive, to be in the place to get my blessing, and all I see are empty hands?! Why should I ahve to drag my kids outside to far distances, to take the bus, when back when I wasn't even acknowledging God, had a car and a semi-decent job?! I feel like I'm being made a fool for God. I also feel like I'm doing all this for nothing. All this hoping and dreaming...for nothing.
I've applied at schools online. Twice. Both times, I felt like it was God's purpose, for me to finsh college. I used hard-earned tax return money to pay off the one college. Only to not get the process rolling. Every time I apply, I'm selected for verification. ANd everytime I do that, complete the paperwork, and think I'm finally going to reap the benefits of getting a degree and the financial aid to pay for things until I finish my degree....I get slapped in the face with mroe obstacles. More lost paperwork. More time being wasted for nothing.
I"m babysitting. I thought that was going to be such a blessing for our family, considering the time frame that I got the job. But, all it is barely making us able to live. I then got a call about being able to babysit during the wekends. I was so thrilled- I thought, God's finally listening! Only for the job to not happen every weekend. I've sat at home, on weekends, waiting, when I could've done something else, only for a no-show. Only 3 x's have I received the job. IT upsets me.
I've doing survey's online. At first, I thought...finally! a chance to earn more income! Only for the survey's not being able to load on my computer, and when they do, I'm not eligible for them.
Every time I attempt something that I think to myself..."finally, God's blessing us!" I get sidestepped and trampled on in my effort.
So, I'm doing this. I'm demanding God bless me with a millon dollars by the end of this month. If he doesn't, then I will no longer be held accountable to Him. I will no longer allwo myself to follow what He' s telling me. I even said that I might go and join the bunny ranch...if they take me, that is. I'll also consider doing phone sex for pay. I really don't want to go down that road...but what else am I going to do? If I go and try to work, all I'll get is a minimum wage job, with stupid people and hours that I can't work because of lack of daycare.
I can't go to traditional college, because all but one of them I owe money to. The one I could go for absolutely free, my parents won't agree to do the paperwork for me to go.
I can't go and move to IDaho, because I don't have the money to do so. Because...guess what? God told me to go, but didn't provide the money for me to do so.
I need to lay down...I'm so mad and angry and...not liking the way things are going right now. My life is supposed to be a testament of God's endless love for our family...and instead, it's being made into a laughing stock. My family is shaking theri heads at me, and what am I to say or do? I'm not doing what they want me to do, I'm trying os hard to follow what I believe is God's voice...and I'm being made a fool, my kids are dragged further and further int o poverty, and the rich are still being made richer. What gives?!
I can't keep doing this. GOd, if You hear me...this is the last straw. I didn't leave the ways of old to go into Your ways and be made a fool of in the process! I demand a millon dollars by the end of this month!!! I promise not to spend it foolishly. I will tithe $100,000 of it. I will use it to glorify you're name. BLESS MY FAMILY WITH A MILLON DOLLARS!!!
BLESS US WITH A MILLON DOLLARS, IN JESUS' NAME!!!
I"m going to get going. I don't know what He, if "HE" exists, is planning on doing, but I know what I'm going to do if my request aren't made. I know if I don't get blessed, I know that will mean total withdrawl from God. No more prayers, Bible readings, or listening. NO more pretending everything is okay when it's not. NO more waiting around for God to bless us.
God, if you're reading this, you know all that I'm capable of. You see my heart, adn you know all that I want to do to bring glory and my family to You. Don't allow this to happen, please? don't allow me to withdraw...I don't want to do that. I don't want to give up on you, or the hope you have provided my family. I want this family to glorify you in everything. BLESS US WITH A MILLON DOLLARS!!!
I"m going to go now. I leave it all until the end of the month.
After that....I don't know what I'm going to do.
But I know it will mean changes. Changes that I don't want to make. But changes, if my hand is forced, I must make.
please don't let this happen, Lord. Please don't allow this trajedy to come upon my family. bless us!!
I have to go now.
Will God answer this demanding prayer? Only God knows the answer to that...
Friday, April 16, 2010
random thoughts...
today, I'm supposed to be cleaning and packing. After finally cleaning my room well enought to see the floor and my bed, I gave it a rest(not what I was supposed to do.)I ate breakfast while my children ate lunch, I have yet to shower...and I can't stop checking my e-mail and facebook page. Oh, yes, today has been very exciting..(NOT!!).
I feel like I should be doing more than what I'm doing now..but what? School?(duh!)...did my survey's(at least something got accomplished!)...got blessed with a check from paypal(THANK YOU, GOD!!! $18.75!! GLORY TO GOD!!)...managed to feed my children breakfast and lunch in a timely manner...did my prayer and Bible devotion...hmmm...what else?
I have just come to the conclusion that I don't like living here. Okay, so technically, I've known that already. But...I guess it just dawned on me that I'm not completely comfortable here. I thought I was, but really, I'm not. As of these past few months(and possibly longer, I'm not really going to think long on this..)everytime a car goes by, or I hear voices of people walking past the house, I kinda panic. I'm afraid that someone might try to come over..or worse, my landlord will knock on my door...and ask me stuff. I strongly dislike when that happens.
I don't know..I'm getting nervous just thinking about it...change in subject...
Okay, so...I found a friend on facebook. Isn't that what facebook is for(duh!), but I found someone I sort-of have been looking for. Sort-of..
it's this guy who used to ahve the hots for me. Doesn't happen often, someone having the hots for ME. Normally, it's the other way around...but he liked me...a LOT. It's also not normal for me(in my past, anyways) to not date someon/sleep with someone who had the hots for me(in the rare event that that ever DID happen...LOL). I'm not saying I want to date him, I guess I'm more or less just curious what he's done with his life thus far. Well, I guess that's to say for a lot of people I meet/try to find on facebook. Hmmm...
I'm babysitting this kid today. *sigh* A part of me really wants to tell his parent that I need more money, but another part of me is just happy to receive anything as a source of money that doesn't involve me having to listen to a man and/or sleeping with him. It may not be much, but, I have to be thankful for what God has blessed me with. Oh, the hard-earned dollar..lol
I probably check my singlesnet page too much as well. Which is funny, because I'm not even looking to date anyone...I guess it's the whole "potential" that's more appealing...like, who looked at my page? who flirted with me? who might think I'm cute? etc. etc.? Also, I've met some people there in the chats that I pray I will be able to find once I get to Idaho. And to help me unpack..LOL....
I so badly want to take the kids outside. But, my landlord sort-of yelled at me yesterday because the kids made a strip of grass vanish...in a slide-like fasshion. I'm afraid to go outside with them. Because, I don't want to have to yell at them in the even that they want to *gasp* play in the dirt. I strongly dislike not allowing my babies to go out and play int he dirt...ugh.
ON another front, I"m longing for Idaho. I'm not even sure yet as to how I"m getting there, or when exactly, but oh, how I long to just be there already. I just have a gut feeling about this...this move is going to change our family for the better. If only I could just be still and let God do His work...but I'm just soo anxious to get there already. I wish I would get some sort of large check, from publisher's clearing house, saying I've won a million dollars...so I wouldn't have to dwell on financial worries. I hate feeling like this..I feel like I deserve more, I know I deserve more, but how will I obtain it? I just got a e-mail from financial aid, telling me that I may not get my financial aid until next month, that is, if I have everything handed in and ok'd...how else am I going to earn some money? I'm taking the survey's, but, like I said, I'm not getting enough to pay fro much of anything, much less consider it a source of income. And with babysitting, I still don't amount to much.
Okay, now I'm doubting myself, and God. Why am I doing this??? I need to stop dwelling on this, and move on to something that will make me feel like I'm doing the right thing. Like...uh...like...er....
??????
I'm going to get going. The kids need to take a nap, I need to attempt to clean something(more), and I have to figure out what I'm going to do to earn money this month. *sigh*
the problems I face are draining everything out of me. When will I feel God's blessing in the way I see it happening???
Taking faith...not sure if I'm having faith in the right things, though.
I'd better go...
Jenn
I feel like I should be doing more than what I'm doing now..but what? School?(duh!)...did my survey's(at least something got accomplished!)...got blessed with a check from paypal(THANK YOU, GOD!!! $18.75!! GLORY TO GOD!!)...managed to feed my children breakfast and lunch in a timely manner...did my prayer and Bible devotion...hmmm...what else?
I have just come to the conclusion that I don't like living here. Okay, so technically, I've known that already. But...I guess it just dawned on me that I'm not completely comfortable here. I thought I was, but really, I'm not. As of these past few months(and possibly longer, I'm not really going to think long on this..)everytime a car goes by, or I hear voices of people walking past the house, I kinda panic. I'm afraid that someone might try to come over..or worse, my landlord will knock on my door...and ask me stuff. I strongly dislike when that happens.
I don't know..I'm getting nervous just thinking about it...change in subject...
Okay, so...I found a friend on facebook. Isn't that what facebook is for(duh!), but I found someone I sort-of have been looking for. Sort-of..
it's this guy who used to ahve the hots for me. Doesn't happen often, someone having the hots for ME. Normally, it's the other way around...but he liked me...a LOT. It's also not normal for me(in my past, anyways) to not date someon/sleep with someone who had the hots for me(in the rare event that that ever DID happen...LOL). I'm not saying I want to date him, I guess I'm more or less just curious what he's done with his life thus far. Well, I guess that's to say for a lot of people I meet/try to find on facebook. Hmmm...
I'm babysitting this kid today. *sigh* A part of me really wants to tell his parent that I need more money, but another part of me is just happy to receive anything as a source of money that doesn't involve me having to listen to a man and/or sleeping with him. It may not be much, but, I have to be thankful for what God has blessed me with. Oh, the hard-earned dollar..lol
I probably check my singlesnet page too much as well. Which is funny, because I'm not even looking to date anyone...I guess it's the whole "potential" that's more appealing...like, who looked at my page? who flirted with me? who might think I'm cute? etc. etc.? Also, I've met some people there in the chats that I pray I will be able to find once I get to Idaho. And to help me unpack..LOL....
I so badly want to take the kids outside. But, my landlord sort-of yelled at me yesterday because the kids made a strip of grass vanish...in a slide-like fasshion. I'm afraid to go outside with them. Because, I don't want to have to yell at them in the even that they want to *gasp* play in the dirt. I strongly dislike not allowing my babies to go out and play int he dirt...ugh.
ON another front, I"m longing for Idaho. I'm not even sure yet as to how I"m getting there, or when exactly, but oh, how I long to just be there already. I just have a gut feeling about this...this move is going to change our family for the better. If only I could just be still and let God do His work...but I'm just soo anxious to get there already. I wish I would get some sort of large check, from publisher's clearing house, saying I've won a million dollars...so I wouldn't have to dwell on financial worries. I hate feeling like this..I feel like I deserve more, I know I deserve more, but how will I obtain it? I just got a e-mail from financial aid, telling me that I may not get my financial aid until next month, that is, if I have everything handed in and ok'd...how else am I going to earn some money? I'm taking the survey's, but, like I said, I'm not getting enough to pay fro much of anything, much less consider it a source of income. And with babysitting, I still don't amount to much.
Okay, now I'm doubting myself, and God. Why am I doing this??? I need to stop dwelling on this, and move on to something that will make me feel like I'm doing the right thing. Like...uh...like...er....
??????
I'm going to get going. The kids need to take a nap, I need to attempt to clean something(more), and I have to figure out what I'm going to do to earn money this month. *sigh*
the problems I face are draining everything out of me. When will I feel God's blessing in the way I see it happening???
Taking faith...not sure if I'm having faith in the right things, though.
I'd better go...
Jenn
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
When I receive a millon dollars...
Lately, I've just had this inkling that I'm somehow going to come into a millon dollars.
Maybe I'm more crazy than I thought(LOL).
But, even with the lapse in sanity...this got me to thinking...
If I had a millon dollars, what would I do?
Inplusively, I would say, GO OUT AND BUY STUFF. LOTS OF STUFF!!! BUt, after giving this some thought, I know that would defeat the purpose of such a blessing from God.(*hint*hint* to God). WELL....what WOULD I do? How would I use it to help bring glory to God/help me(physically/mentally,etc.?)/help my children/help my community? Help family members? How would I divide every penny, every dollar to not only help my family, but to help the wrold at large?
Hmmmmm.......
Well, first off, I would pay my debt-$20,000.00-all of it. I would then make the offer for the house and land in Idaho($75,000.00) and with the remaining amount of what should've been the payment of the house($15,000.00) I would put into a savings account of some kind. Naturally, I would tithe my 10%($100,000.00) to the ministries and local chuches(in Idaho) that I support. After that, I would use $300,000.00 or less to re-build the house on the land I want in Idaho, into my re-vamped version of the Duggar Home(Don't get me wrong- I like their home, but I would tweak it just a bit to my liking...and yes, I have thought this out before I realized that the Duggar's home plan was available to everyone online). I would invest $120,000.00 into a college savings fund for the children, spend another $15,000.00 in homeschool supplies, put $45,000.00 towards farming equiptment and supplies(seeds,fertilizer,farm animals, farming trucks needed,etc.),....did I spend it all yet? let me calculate....nope, I'm at $640,000.00...leaves me $360,000.00...hehehe...
I would then give my dad/stemother, my aunt Jon Ann, and my sister Jodi $10,000.00 each(total-$30,000.00). For my sister's kids, and my aunts kids, I would then put away $2000 each, per child, into a savings account for them for college, or whatever, when they turn 18(total of this-$14,000.00). I would put aside $10,000.00 for my children's clothing(taken out as needed), buy a schoolbus for..how much are those things going for, anyways?.....pay off my own college tuition(total-$45,000.00). That total so far is $99,000.00...(excluding the cost of the bus)....
I'm just going to guess and round this paragraph's total to $200,000.00
I still have $160,000.00. I would put away two year's salry for bills and food,etc.($60,000.00) and the rest I would use to start my own publishing company(for inspirational writers/christian writers,etc).Maybe an arts program, or something(?)- one for Reading, and one for White Bird...then that's it. It would be all spent. Have I covered everything???
If anything was left after all that, I would spend it dumbly- getting a spa treatment, going on a shopping spree, maybe getting my cellulite removed, etc. And buy furniture for the new house, but the kids all the classic movies and toys, and build a playground in the backyard. *phew!*
Okay, I think that covers it all. I just hope that I can remember to check this when(standing in faith on this, based on Hebrew's 11:1)...how big is God? Amen? AMEN!
Now I'd better get going, before I start thinking of more selfish ways to spend this money...something I'm trying hard not to do. LOL
Untily next time...
Jenn
Maybe I'm more crazy than I thought(LOL).
But, even with the lapse in sanity...this got me to thinking...
If I had a millon dollars, what would I do?
Inplusively, I would say, GO OUT AND BUY STUFF. LOTS OF STUFF!!! BUt, after giving this some thought, I know that would defeat the purpose of such a blessing from God.(*hint*hint* to God). WELL....what WOULD I do? How would I use it to help bring glory to God/help me(physically/mentally,etc.?)/help my children/help my community? Help family members? How would I divide every penny, every dollar to not only help my family, but to help the wrold at large?
Hmmmmm.......
Well, first off, I would pay my debt-$20,000.00-all of it. I would then make the offer for the house and land in Idaho($75,000.00) and with the remaining amount of what should've been the payment of the house($15,000.00) I would put into a savings account of some kind. Naturally, I would tithe my 10%($100,000.00) to the ministries and local chuches(in Idaho) that I support. After that, I would use $300,000.00 or less to re-build the house on the land I want in Idaho, into my re-vamped version of the Duggar Home(Don't get me wrong- I like their home, but I would tweak it just a bit to my liking...and yes, I have thought this out before I realized that the Duggar's home plan was available to everyone online). I would invest $120,000.00 into a college savings fund for the children, spend another $15,000.00 in homeschool supplies, put $45,000.00 towards farming equiptment and supplies(seeds,fertilizer,farm animals, farming trucks needed,etc.),....did I spend it all yet? let me calculate....nope, I'm at $640,000.00...leaves me $360,000.00...hehehe...
I would then give my dad/stemother, my aunt Jon Ann, and my sister Jodi $10,000.00 each(total-$30,000.00). For my sister's kids, and my aunts kids, I would then put away $2000 each, per child, into a savings account for them for college, or whatever, when they turn 18(total of this-$14,000.00). I would put aside $10,000.00 for my children's clothing(taken out as needed), buy a schoolbus for..how much are those things going for, anyways?.....pay off my own college tuition(total-$45,000.00). That total so far is $99,000.00...(excluding the cost of the bus)....
I'm just going to guess and round this paragraph's total to $200,000.00
I still have $160,000.00. I would put away two year's salry for bills and food,etc.($60,000.00) and the rest I would use to start my own publishing company(for inspirational writers/christian writers,etc).Maybe an arts program, or something(?)- one for Reading, and one for White Bird...then that's it. It would be all spent. Have I covered everything???
If anything was left after all that, I would spend it dumbly- getting a spa treatment, going on a shopping spree, maybe getting my cellulite removed, etc. And buy furniture for the new house, but the kids all the classic movies and toys, and build a playground in the backyard. *phew!*
Okay, I think that covers it all. I just hope that I can remember to check this when(standing in faith on this, based on Hebrew's 11:1)...how big is God? Amen? AMEN!
Now I'd better get going, before I start thinking of more selfish ways to spend this money...something I'm trying hard not to do. LOL
Untily next time...
Jenn
Friday, April 9, 2010
Flow-enza talk, for the month of April
First off, I have to type this short poem I read in a book before I forget(because it's sort of how I'm feeling)-
"Long, long be my heart with such memories filled
As the vase in which the roses have once been distilled
You may break, you may shatter the vase if you will
But the scent of roses will hang around still"
Okay. Perfect illustration of my frustrations with life right now.
I have my period. And everytime I ahve my period, it seems like the world as I formally knew it is now coming to an end. I really need to talk to a doctor about taking some anti-depressants during this time of month, because every time I have it..it's like, I really can't cope.
I started online college this week. Not with Phoenix, but with Ashford. It was all really quick, I don't know right now that it was such a good idea to start without getting all the facts yet. But, I felt like I had to do something. It's been two months since I've been blessed by God to get internet access. And Phoenix was messing me up big time- I should have at least 2 classes under my belt by now, and here I'm just starting. I could've started sooner, but I was afraid, and I didn't want to start only to have what happened last time..they bill me and I don't get any financial aid. I NEED financial aid, and they were taking too long to get the ball rolling. I did everything I had to do, only to be told on their part, that THEY messed something up, and well, I was just supposed to wait by quietly until they get their ducks all lined up in a row. Sorry, but I need this..I need to get college finished ASAP, and I need financial aid NOW. So, I switched colleges, only to encounter the same problem. I'm praying to GOD that they get the paperwork and I will receive my financial aid within the next two weeks.
Okay, so the poem quote..I guess that's how I'm feeling right now. For some reason, as I'm feeling frustrated about my first week of classes, I'm putting the blame on Robert. Ok- not seeing the connection? I know. Let me explain-
Simply put, if he was here, and in his right mind, then He'd have a job, we'd be getting money in, and I wouldn't have to have all this stress on me and me alone. And even if we weren't together, if he was in his right mind, at least I'd be getting some sort of child support, which would be bringing in some sort of money, and I wouldn't have to worrry about college, and the bills, and providing foo for my family, and la-te-freakin' da...the end.
But, I know now..is that really fair? Is it fair to put this current turn of events on him? My PMS side says "YES!!" but, I know that's simply not the case. I can't think of terms of being a victium anymore, I have to think of terms being a victor. I love that saying,too.
I think that my mind is just not accecpting the fact that in order to be a victor, I have to DO something, I can't just sit here and plan and plan and plan(Although I do love to plan!) and not take action. It's a defense-mechinism I have..this planning of mine. It's what keeps me from losing my mind entirely, or focusing on how bad things really are. It's, in a sense, my way of escaping to a better, well planned, life that's not currently the one right in front of me.
But, all the planning in world isn't going to do any good without action. I've been stuck in this defense mechansim for several years. I realize it's a problem, I see what I need to do..and I've started the process...and,because of my PMS, I feel like I'm not doing enough, I"mset-up to fail, that maybe college isn't for me, and why-o-why couldn't Robert just be the man I wanted him to be, intead of a mirage of that image instead? *sigh* OF course, if I was married, I'd be a SAHM, as I am now, but I'd be more detailed(as I have everything all planned out), I'd be more able to focus more on my kids and less on myself, and I'd be able to cook and clean, and be a good little ol' wife without having the world on ym shoulders, and gosh darn it, I would be okay with it all, becaue I'd have someone to share all this with, and if problems would come our way, my dear husband would be the one beside me, I wouldn't feel as alone in my quest, and he would whisper a reassuring, "everything will be okay" in my ears when I need to hear it the most.
But, of course, I'm not in a place to be there right now. I'm not ready for marriage, I'm not mentally healthy enough to even date. But, oh, oh,oh...how lovely that would be. I want nothing more than this. Well, aside from the farm house to take care of, the animals and land to provide, and to make candles and sew clothes/quilt/crotechet...oh, how lovel that would all be!
So, yes, for a moment in today, I have panicked. In a moment of today I cried. ANd for a moment, I sort-of got mad at God because my fairy tale isn't here yet.
But, now I have to move forward,a nd now I have to try my best and be strong. I ahve to do my best in this, because I know God won't bless me with the desires of my heart if I freak out over the little things He's blessed me with now. I can't lose sight of these goals, I can't lose sight of my future. Even when the world is crashing down around me, I have to hold my ground.
I feel like crying again...*sob*
I'd better get going, I need to do SOMETHING about this schoolwork,before I fail it altogether.
Press onto what's ahead...not looking at the past....press on to what's ahead...
Jenn
"Long, long be my heart with such memories filled
As the vase in which the roses have once been distilled
You may break, you may shatter the vase if you will
But the scent of roses will hang around still"
Okay. Perfect illustration of my frustrations with life right now.
I have my period. And everytime I ahve my period, it seems like the world as I formally knew it is now coming to an end. I really need to talk to a doctor about taking some anti-depressants during this time of month, because every time I have it..it's like, I really can't cope.
I started online college this week. Not with Phoenix, but with Ashford. It was all really quick, I don't know right now that it was such a good idea to start without getting all the facts yet. But, I felt like I had to do something. It's been two months since I've been blessed by God to get internet access. And Phoenix was messing me up big time- I should have at least 2 classes under my belt by now, and here I'm just starting. I could've started sooner, but I was afraid, and I didn't want to start only to have what happened last time..they bill me and I don't get any financial aid. I NEED financial aid, and they were taking too long to get the ball rolling. I did everything I had to do, only to be told on their part, that THEY messed something up, and well, I was just supposed to wait by quietly until they get their ducks all lined up in a row. Sorry, but I need this..I need to get college finished ASAP, and I need financial aid NOW. So, I switched colleges, only to encounter the same problem. I'm praying to GOD that they get the paperwork and I will receive my financial aid within the next two weeks.
Okay, so the poem quote..I guess that's how I'm feeling right now. For some reason, as I'm feeling frustrated about my first week of classes, I'm putting the blame on Robert. Ok- not seeing the connection? I know. Let me explain-
Simply put, if he was here, and in his right mind, then He'd have a job, we'd be getting money in, and I wouldn't have to have all this stress on me and me alone. And even if we weren't together, if he was in his right mind, at least I'd be getting some sort of child support, which would be bringing in some sort of money, and I wouldn't have to worrry about college, and the bills, and providing foo for my family, and la-te-freakin' da...the end.
But, I know now..is that really fair? Is it fair to put this current turn of events on him? My PMS side says "YES!!" but, I know that's simply not the case. I can't think of terms of being a victium anymore, I have to think of terms being a victor. I love that saying,too.
I think that my mind is just not accecpting the fact that in order to be a victor, I have to DO something, I can't just sit here and plan and plan and plan(Although I do love to plan!) and not take action. It's a defense-mechinism I have..this planning of mine. It's what keeps me from losing my mind entirely, or focusing on how bad things really are. It's, in a sense, my way of escaping to a better, well planned, life that's not currently the one right in front of me.
But, all the planning in world isn't going to do any good without action. I've been stuck in this defense mechansim for several years. I realize it's a problem, I see what I need to do..and I've started the process...and,because of my PMS, I feel like I'm not doing enough, I"mset-up to fail, that maybe college isn't for me, and why-o-why couldn't Robert just be the man I wanted him to be, intead of a mirage of that image instead? *sigh* OF course, if I was married, I'd be a SAHM, as I am now, but I'd be more detailed(as I have everything all planned out), I'd be more able to focus more on my kids and less on myself, and I'd be able to cook and clean, and be a good little ol' wife without having the world on ym shoulders, and gosh darn it, I would be okay with it all, becaue I'd have someone to share all this with, and if problems would come our way, my dear husband would be the one beside me, I wouldn't feel as alone in my quest, and he would whisper a reassuring, "everything will be okay" in my ears when I need to hear it the most.
But, of course, I'm not in a place to be there right now. I'm not ready for marriage, I'm not mentally healthy enough to even date. But, oh, oh,oh...how lovely that would be. I want nothing more than this. Well, aside from the farm house to take care of, the animals and land to provide, and to make candles and sew clothes/quilt/crotechet...oh, how lovel that would all be!
So, yes, for a moment in today, I have panicked. In a moment of today I cried. ANd for a moment, I sort-of got mad at God because my fairy tale isn't here yet.
But, now I have to move forward,a nd now I have to try my best and be strong. I ahve to do my best in this, because I know God won't bless me with the desires of my heart if I freak out over the little things He's blessed me with now. I can't lose sight of these goals, I can't lose sight of my future. Even when the world is crashing down around me, I have to hold my ground.
I feel like crying again...*sob*
I'd better get going, I need to do SOMETHING about this schoolwork,before I fail it altogether.
Press onto what's ahead...not looking at the past....press on to what's ahead...
Jenn
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