I just had to write something, praising God that He managed to provide me with the words to say, and for softening my Landlord's heart.
I wrote yesterday, and I was sooo depressed. I felt hopeless. I don't have a steady job. I was getting evicted. My guy friend wasn't helping. I felt awful. Here I was, trying to do better for me and my three kids, and here I ws making life worse for all of us.
I finally had the guts to go over and talk to my landlord. I won't lie- I cried because of the though of how am I going to keep a roof over my kids heads? I told her that I would have the money to her by tommorrow. And the remaining money, I'd have to her by the end of May. She told me that I needed to do a full 360, and clean up my act. I have to do better. She told me as long as I keep up my end of this, she'll let me stay. Praise GOD!!!
Then, I went to the pool place. Suprizingly, they are still hiring. I went, talked to the guy, and he agreed to give me an interview despite the fact that I didn't call or speak to him a week after the fact that he called me for an interview. I have one tommorrow at 9:30. Thank you, Jesus!
I'm over here, again, at career link. I came in and spoke with Gary, my employment manager. He's always been the one to make me cry, and in a good way. It's like he sees what I don't want to admit to. Anyways, he was happy for me that God was able to provide a way for all this.
So, yesterday, my outlook looked cloudy, bad. But as I managed to check my e-mail, I couldn't help notice the forcast for tommorrow. I couldn't help but say, Thank you, God for making a way, and showing me that you have your hands in everything that I do.
The forcast read- tommorrow, sunny. Yeah, it probably will say that for some time(after all, it is Spring!) but it just seemed so appropriate for today about my outlook.
Tommorrow-sunny. huh. Thank you, God!!!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Am I doing what I can...?
Today, I'm not doing what I could, or should do in order to see where and how I'm going to keep my family in our current home or move us to another place.
I'm scared out of my mind, and I'm not sure. I'm in a panic. I'm angry, confused, and frustated. YEP.
I'm at the career link center, and I'm wondering if I should even be here. I should be at home, packing up stuff. Freaking out beyond measure. Calling landlords to see who will take me in.
Except, here I am, writting about it instead of doing something.
How could I let this happen? My kids and I might actually have to go to a shelter- *gasp* a freaking shelter?!?!
I told myself I would never go back to that again-going to a shelter. Only here I am now, seeing that as my only option.
I hate myself for allowing my family to have to go through this-we're going to have to leave everything, pack only the needs, and go into the night, going to all places-a shelter.
I don't want to think that I'm too good for a shelter-I'm not, I've been in one before. Except now, I have three kids(and I"m no longer pregnant) and a stupid boyfriend who can't get a job or a place of his own.
I want to be faithful to God, I really do, except now I'm thinking-I trust you to have your hands in this, and you make me consider a shelter as a place to live???What kind of faith is that???
Okay, so I...Start trying to do the right thing(believe in God), do as much as I think I can do to stay in my apartment, leave my stupid boyfriend, try to get a job that I'll enjoy(take the job only to find out that I need insurance-thus why I'm at career link) only to have no answer about the insurance, no confirmed place to stay, and the job slipping through my hands as we speak?
I want to think about the Bible man, Job, who lost everything-his family,his livestock, his skin, and that normally gets me through things like this.
But it seems as though the closer I attempt at getting to God, the more crap I'm dealt with. What kind of crap is that?
I want to have wishful thinking-I want to believe that God has a plan in my life,and that He will provide me a way to overcome this.
But with each hour passing, my options are to take a job that I don't really want, live in a place that I vowed never toreturn to, and cry my eyes out about the current situation???
What am I doing wrong? What did I do that allowed my family to get to this low?
I want to blame God, I want to point the finger at Him, but I know all this is of my own fault. I should've paid my rent when I had the chance. I should've just paid my insurance when i had the chance, instead of wasting the money on who knows what(fast food,probably). But yet here I am, clinging to the only things i can at this moment-my family and God.
I'm getting ready to lose everything, and I'm not sure how I'll cope with this all.
I feel the strong need to cry.
WAHHHH!!!!!!!!!
(not so) Wise Mama
I'm scared out of my mind, and I'm not sure. I'm in a panic. I'm angry, confused, and frustated. YEP.
I'm at the career link center, and I'm wondering if I should even be here. I should be at home, packing up stuff. Freaking out beyond measure. Calling landlords to see who will take me in.
Except, here I am, writting about it instead of doing something.
How could I let this happen? My kids and I might actually have to go to a shelter- *gasp* a freaking shelter?!?!
I told myself I would never go back to that again-going to a shelter. Only here I am now, seeing that as my only option.
I hate myself for allowing my family to have to go through this-we're going to have to leave everything, pack only the needs, and go into the night, going to all places-a shelter.
I don't want to think that I'm too good for a shelter-I'm not, I've been in one before. Except now, I have three kids(and I"m no longer pregnant) and a stupid boyfriend who can't get a job or a place of his own.
I want to be faithful to God, I really do, except now I'm thinking-I trust you to have your hands in this, and you make me consider a shelter as a place to live???What kind of faith is that???
Okay, so I...Start trying to do the right thing(believe in God), do as much as I think I can do to stay in my apartment, leave my stupid boyfriend, try to get a job that I'll enjoy(take the job only to find out that I need insurance-thus why I'm at career link) only to have no answer about the insurance, no confirmed place to stay, and the job slipping through my hands as we speak?
I want to think about the Bible man, Job, who lost everything-his family,his livestock, his skin, and that normally gets me through things like this.
But it seems as though the closer I attempt at getting to God, the more crap I'm dealt with. What kind of crap is that?
I want to have wishful thinking-I want to believe that God has a plan in my life,and that He will provide me a way to overcome this.
But with each hour passing, my options are to take a job that I don't really want, live in a place that I vowed never toreturn to, and cry my eyes out about the current situation???
What am I doing wrong? What did I do that allowed my family to get to this low?
I want to blame God, I want to point the finger at Him, but I know all this is of my own fault. I should've paid my rent when I had the chance. I should've just paid my insurance when i had the chance, instead of wasting the money on who knows what(fast food,probably). But yet here I am, clinging to the only things i can at this moment-my family and God.
I'm getting ready to lose everything, and I'm not sure how I'll cope with this all.
I feel the strong need to cry.
WAHHHH!!!!!!!!!
(not so) Wise Mama
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Life as it unfolds..part 1
Okay, so today, I'm supposed to be lookng for a home Because, technically I'm homeless.
This morning, I debated for some time if I should even go to career link. Something was compelling me to go, despite the factthat I already have a job and I really no longer need to be there. Not to mention I can't really look or a job when I don't even know where my family will be at next week. Not that I need to look, but whatever.
So, here I am, dreading going to this job search class, when I see this familiar face. There's this woman who I started chatting up the first day of the program. She has a degree in Social work, and she was here? But shewas super-sweet,and has kids and despite the fact that she's over a foot taller than me, and looks like at an moment she'll be compelled to kik my ass, I talk to her.
So, today, I walked right over to her, and instantly notied something differntabout her. Mind you, I gave her a ride to her kids daycare, and I didn't even know her name, but I felt I knew her well enough to know something was wrong.
Out of nowhere, she tells me that she's in a very abusive relationship, and she's scared. She needed to get out of where she was living, and she needed o get out of there now. Of course, I pushed my moment to complain aside, and did what I could to help her. I offered to help her go to the crisis center, and help her get her things. She was soo thankful... I couldn't imagine me doing something as simple as offering a ride would be so benefical. I prayed that her boyfriend woudn't be home so that we would't have to deal with him as she got her things. I prayed for her while driving her to the crisis center, and helped her unload her things. She couldn't stop thanking me....
And here I was, debating if I should go to career link or not this morning, so concerned about my own crap that I failed to realize that there are people out thre who have it much worse than I do!
I had to say, thank you God after all that.
Well, I still am not sure of where I'll be living after Friday, but God has a plan for me, even if I don't.
I'm stupid. Iprayeed about thi situation awhile ago, and I heard God say, "Go." But me, I'm thinking, "Go(to move) or Go(away from this pulpit,you fool I have it all figured out)?"
Sure I cried about this for some time. I wasnt sure, and now I'm practicall being pushed out by my landlord. I have my babies to thik about, what am I going to do?
And then my guy-friend(or whatever yo want to call him). He has no pace to live,either. Well, tha's not entirely my problem. Not completely. Anyways, I told him he could stay with me until Friday. He wants to get a place together, but I'm not sure. I know him, I know his circumstances, and I know that he's not at the point where he sees a need to change himself.
Mind you, he broke a window in my house, he keeps saying that I owe him money(rent,etc.) and he doesn't see the need to marry me. So, yeah, I need to leave him. But I also need him to help me move....I'm not sure of what to do,exactly. I knowthe moreI involve him in this, the more he'll be more likely to stay, and...Oh, hell. I shouldn't be debating this. I should just tell him togo and never come back. My dad and my ant volunteered to help me move, but my dad is gong to get another back surgery son and my aunt has constant problems with...everything. So, do I really want them helping m move? Not really. He's going to help me move, and....I don't know. I have so many thingsI ave todo, and none of them are getting accomplished. But, I know GOd has His hand in all of this, and GOd will make a way for me, even when I dont see a way to make it myself. I just need to keep to the belief that I trust God to help me through this, and I'm leaning on him instead of myself.
Well, I keep you informed at a later time.
Wise Mama
This morning, I debated for some time if I should even go to career link. Something was compelling me to go, despite the factthat I already have a job and I really no longer need to be there. Not to mention I can't really look or a job when I don't even know where my family will be at next week. Not that I need to look, but whatever.
So, here I am, dreading going to this job search class, when I see this familiar face. There's this woman who I started chatting up the first day of the program. She has a degree in Social work, and she was here? But shewas super-sweet,and has kids and despite the fact that she's over a foot taller than me, and looks like at an moment she'll be compelled to kik my ass, I talk to her.
So, today, I walked right over to her, and instantly notied something differntabout her. Mind you, I gave her a ride to her kids daycare, and I didn't even know her name, but I felt I knew her well enough to know something was wrong.
Out of nowhere, she tells me that she's in a very abusive relationship, and she's scared. She needed to get out of where she was living, and she needed o get out of there now. Of course, I pushed my moment to complain aside, and did what I could to help her. I offered to help her go to the crisis center, and help her get her things. She was soo thankful... I couldn't imagine me doing something as simple as offering a ride would be so benefical. I prayed that her boyfriend woudn't be home so that we would't have to deal with him as she got her things. I prayed for her while driving her to the crisis center, and helped her unload her things. She couldn't stop thanking me....
And here I was, debating if I should go to career link or not this morning, so concerned about my own crap that I failed to realize that there are people out thre who have it much worse than I do!
I had to say, thank you God after all that.
Well, I still am not sure of where I'll be living after Friday, but God has a plan for me, even if I don't.
I'm stupid. Iprayeed about thi situation awhile ago, and I heard God say, "Go." But me, I'm thinking, "Go(to move) or Go(away from this pulpit,you fool I have it all figured out)?"
Sure I cried about this for some time. I wasnt sure, and now I'm practicall being pushed out by my landlord. I have my babies to thik about, what am I going to do?
And then my guy-friend(or whatever yo want to call him). He has no pace to live,either. Well, tha's not entirely my problem. Not completely. Anyways, I told him he could stay with me until Friday. He wants to get a place together, but I'm not sure. I know him, I know his circumstances, and I know that he's not at the point where he sees a need to change himself.
Mind you, he broke a window in my house, he keeps saying that I owe him money(rent,etc.) and he doesn't see the need to marry me. So, yeah, I need to leave him. But I also need him to help me move....I'm not sure of what to do,exactly. I knowthe moreI involve him in this, the more he'll be more likely to stay, and...Oh, hell. I shouldn't be debating this. I should just tell him togo and never come back. My dad and my ant volunteered to help me move, but my dad is gong to get another back surgery son and my aunt has constant problems with...everything. So, do I really want them helping m move? Not really. He's going to help me move, and....I don't know. I have so many thingsI ave todo, and none of them are getting accomplished. But, I know GOd has His hand in all of this, and GOd will make a way for me, even when I dont see a way to make it myself. I just need to keep to the belief that I trust God to help me through this, and I'm leaning on him instead of myself.
Well, I keep you informed at a later time.
Wise Mama
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