Happy Beginnings...?

Okay, so here I am... in a state of panic. As Normal(?)
Robert miraculusly got released from prison(YAY!) but it's not making the diffence I thought it would. Even though I told myself that things were going to be of slow change, and to not expect him to just leave jail and then life is great....I still sort of hoped that would be the case. But, in fact in my opinion, things are getting worse!
The only good thing is that he gets to see the kids. Which, of course, is something long overdue. Now they know him, and love him, and...don't get to see him as often as they or myself like to.
He has to stay with his cousin's cousin, because I couldn't afford to pay my phone bill, and the only day we get to see him is on a saturday, and that's if we're lucky. I don't even have the chance to talk to him on the phone daily, because his cousin's a jerk, she won't let him use the phone as often as he likes. He can't get a job because he doesn't have a work permit(it's pending, but with it being from immigration, it's taking forever!) and he keeps putting off talking about the future, because he's too concerned with his status from immigration. UGH! It's like, he's not even here, most of the time. I figured that there was going to be some kind of restrictions on him because of the whole immigration issue, but dang! Not all this!
I'm trying, I'm trying sooo hard to be the positive future wife to be. All I do is uplift him and give him encouraging words whenever we meet. But I'm not really getting much encouragement of any kind from anyone. My family hates him, and so does my best friend. I know it's God's will for me to marry him, but right now, I'm just not seeing the benefits of it...at all.
It really hurts, you know? All this time and paitence, waiting for him to come out to move forward, only for him to come out, and absolutely nothing is happening. NOTHING! He's been out for almost a month...and it's just really a bummer. I'm almost more worried about him now than I was when he was in jail!
And, although he's says he's changed....he hasn't. He always put things off until the last minute(or didn't deal with them at all) and I had to make the decisions for us. I hate this, because I don't feel as though he's owning up to his responsiblity as a husband or a father by being so "Oh, whatever" about everything. In fact, it annoys the hell out of me that he acts like this.
I want him to be a man to take charge(but not completely rule) the roost. A man that doesn't depend on the government to take care of his kids, but his hard work and determination to do it.His favorite words about all this is, "We will figure it out"...and I hate it when he says it, because I know that's his way of not dealing with it buit forcing me to decide for us....!!
I'm trying to be understanding about all this. But I feel so pressured about this...mostly from myself. I want things to start happening, so that way at least I know things are moving along. Instead, things are at the same standstill that they were a year ago, except now I can't turn to my "other man", Jose, for help, because I kicked him out in thoughts of something "better"!
Even my sister said, " Why did you dump Jose? At least he had a steady job, even if it was at McDonalds, at least he was helping you out." But just a week ago she said, "At least he(Robert) is going to be there for the kids, and help my little sis out!" So much for that theory!!!
It's not even starting, and I'm sooo ready to throw in the towel. But, I've made a promise to God that I will marry him, I will be a stay at home mom, and we will have more children together. I will be the best wife and mother to my children. But right now, I'm just not seeing it. All I'm doing is giving himencouraging words, reassuring my kids that "Daddy will live with us...eventually" only to not see that day arriving anytime soon, and I'm getting ready to start a job that I was waiting for back in April, now I don't really want,because I was anticipating being a stay at home mom in the fall! So much for my plans,huh? GRRR!!!
There is hope for something better, eventually. But when, God?When? Just when I think we've gone through all the hardships to be strong enough for the blessings, BAM! we get more hardships, and no blessings. When will we be blessed? Haven't we endured enough? All I want is to get married, live in the same household, be a stay at home mom, and have more kids, is that too much to ask?!?! I'm not asking for great wealth(although it wouldn't hurt). I'm not asking for beauty, or selfish request(right?). All I'm asking is for these simple things. Why does the world and Robert have to make it soo hard?! WHY?!?!
Okay, I'd better get off now. I though this would help me, but instead,I'm just more upset.
Mama J

Pre-Wedding Concern

Okay, so today, I got a bit more excited about Robert's release from prison. I'll finally get my husband! My kids will finally know their father! But, I must admit I was having some concern about it all. At first hearing it, I was praising God and couldn't be happier. But as the weekend went on, I had some more time to reflect about all of it. Am I really making a decision that is right for all my fammily, and not just myself? Sure, he may be the father to my children, but will he be there like he's promised? Will he be the God-fearing man he said he'd be? We had problems with him drinking, and not telling the truth. Will these problems still persist once he leaves prison?
So, God has blessed me with my husband! I prayed about it, and I feel as though I'm ready for this. God has not only opened the door for him to come home, he completely ripped it off it's hinges in a way that I never imagined! God has made it possible for us to be together quicker than what I intented. Apparently, He wants us to be together. But, I'm just concerned....
First off, Robert's Catholic, and I'm Christian. I believe he said he ws willing to go to my church, but I know before he entered prison, there was a big feud over this issue. Will he be willing to go to my church? Will he be able to convert, or is he just saying that to make me happy? I really believe that God wants us in this church(Glad Tidings), but will he see it, too??? This church has soo much to offer us, I just hope that Robert will see this, and if it's God's will, he will be willing to come and be a part of this church family, too.
Then the concern about him and myself reading the Bible together...and praying. His prayers might be more traditional(Catholic), and my stlye might be more personal. Will we have problems praying together? Who will start? Will we alternate, or one person starts, and another finishes? And what if he's too tired to willing read the Bible everyday? What if he doesn't want to read the Bible and pray for a half-an-hour to an hour a day? What if he's not comfortable with this?
And going to church on Wednesday nights for Marriage Bible study....will he be okay with that? What about going to marriage therapy(because,we both messed up and need it ASAP)? I want us to have our foundations in Christ, and I don't want either of us to stray from this, but I'm concerned because I'm afraid that he'll either reject it, or not tell the truth during sessions.
What about his inability to tell the truth? Yes, I'm concerned!! I've said in my head over and over again, that I'm not angry about the fact that he lied to me about the DUI's....but I'm mad! And he still hasn't admitted that he lied, and that bothers me deeply. I want to let him know that it's OK, it's a part of his past, but it's not okay to lie about it. He already has my heart, so why does he feel the need to hide things? Is he afraid that I'll run away,tell him it's over? Because, that's not the case. I don't know why, but I love him more than words can express, I know that he's the one God has intended me to marry. But why won't he come clean about these things? Will we continue to have issue with him not telling the truth in the future?????
Also, I'm worried that he may not be so thrilled to know that my debt is probably much larger than his. Will he be willing to be OK with that? I'm pretty sure that he knows that once we're married, he has to help me pay that debt off.
Kids...? I want more kids...many more kids...in fact, I'm at the point where I'll let him have as many kids as God's willing to bless us with!! Isn't that crazy? I saw myself as a woman to do this, but without a proper man(husband) by my side, it seemed It just wasn't in the plans. But now that he's on his way out and agreed to marry me, will he be as..excited as I am to start adding on to our family,as soon as possible? Or, will he want to wait for (a certain time)? Before he was arrested, he said that he wanted to wait until we finished college, but I want him to pursue his doctorate, and I can stay at home with the children. Am I asking too much of him?
Will he be ok with the fact that I want to be a stay at home mom? Or will he want me to work, so that we can get our debt out the way quicker?? I'm not sure!!!
And what about the move? I want to move ASAP, so that we can start new in a new home,together. I've lived a lot of bad experiences in the house I'm in now, and I'm more than ready(mentally) for a fresh start. Will he be as willing? I just feel as though if we moved(soon) that I would be more able to remain positive. We live in a cramped apartment, with damages coming out of the cazoo, and plus, I've lived out one too many bad experiences there. But,financially I'm not sure if we're ready.
Well, these are some of the things that are troubling my mind. I'm going to try tonight to pray over each of them, and see what God wants for us. I know that it's God's will for us to be married, but all these other things have been left in a big void...am I making the right choice, God?
Mama J

God answers prayers!

PRAISE GOD!!!!
I'm sooooo thankful right now! THANK YOU GOD!!!
I was getting ready to...get ready for an interview. I decided to go to career link to make my hours, and my ec(employment counselor) said, "the boss just said that your car insurance payment request was approved...you need to stick around so that they can get some signatures off ya." WOW!!!! After almost amonth of praying and waiting, it's been approved!!!Now I can start my job at Supportive Concepts!!!
So, then I'm driving home, and thinking/talking to God. For some reason, I thought to ask, "Do you really hear me,God? I mean, you want Robert and I to be together,right?" and I heard a small voice say, "yes". "Will he be home before I expected?" I asked. I really meant to say, "will he be home afterI expected?" but i still felt a small voice say,"yes.". I thought it was,as always, just my mind telling me what i want to hear. So, I get home, and I have an answe machine message. It's from Robert. He said the usual, 'I was trying to call,etc.' but then, " I have some good news and bad news." uh-oh..."The good news is that they are releasing me sometime next week." I started crying. "The bad news is, that I will have to wear and ankle braclet, and I need to speak with my probation officer about where I will be staying...immigration has your address, but the officer doesnot. I have to call him to get it confirmed, but I'm guessing that I should be out no later than Friday." Oh, PRAISE GOD!!!! THANK YOU,JESUS!!!!
I was trying to get ready for an interview, but I couldn't stop praising God the entire time. My future husband will be home, sooner than I asked!!!My children will finally know their father, and we can finally praise God as a family!!!!!!!!!!! God does answer prayers!!!It's a miracle! I just can't believe it! I can't stop praising GOd for it,either. It was thru his grace that this happened!! I just can't believe it! After a year and a half of waiting, almost abandoning him, and feeling so alone, God has blessed me with my future husband! God is awesome!!!
Now, I pray, that this will all go according to what he said, and that he'll be home this friday.
Oh....crap. Now I have to tell Jose.
I'm not sure how to go about this. We talked today, and he said that he'd be out in three weeks. He actually agreed to leave in three weeks. I forgot about that. I was praisin God then,too. Because I thougt I'd never get him to leave. But now I have to tell him that he has to be out by next week. He's getting paid next week, but I just feel he's gonna be mad about all this. Oh,please,Lord, let him be okay about this, and soften his heart so that he can accept it without getting angry or breaking something,or calling me bad names.
I just cannot believe that God answered my prayer about this,finally. It was inhis time,after all, and not my own. Thank you,God for loving me even when I don't deserve it. Thank you God for blessing me even when I can't return it. Thank you Lord for giving me a life of eternity. And thank you Lord for being there when I felt so alone. Thank you God! Thank youGod! Glory to his name! Thank youGod!!
PRAISE BE TO OUR GOD!!!
I'd better stop,or else I'm going to start crying again.....

Feeling a little bit more positive

Today, I was all set out to write this, how crappy is my life blog. All day, depression was settling into my head. All I could think about was- the father to my children is getting deported(what the hell do I do?), I need some money comming in ASAP, and jose really needs to start thinking about moving out. Oh, and am I really doing the right thing going to church and pretending everything is okay, when all I want to do is cry inside?
But, I got home, feeling crappy, and then I decided to eat some cake frosting(always good) and search for jobs online(also good). I wrote the letter to send to congressmen for Robert(also good) and handed in a doctor's card so that the daycare couldn't kick me out because I didn't give them documentation saying that I care about my kids enough to take them to the doctor(I DO!!) .
Well, I started to fill out applications, and prayed as I typed up each one. Guess what? Sears decided to give me an interview! Yah! I'm not sure if they do that with everyone, but it put me in a better mood! THANK YOU,GOD!!
So, I'm praying that I get the job, because I really do need some promise of money coming in soon.
I don't know what exactly to do about Robert Sr. I'm going to mail oout a letter to him and the letter to the congressmen tommorrow. So, right now that's all I can do for him, and I have to be content with that.Despite the fact that I want to do more.
Jose-well, I feel strongly that he's not really good for me, but I'll just let him know how I feel. I'll try to get his opinion, and take it from there. I need someone who's going to be there for me and my children. I need someone to be a man and a father that my children need. In other words, I need Robert. Jose isn't willing toget married, which is his problem,and soon going to be his loss.
My internet will probably be turned off tommorrow. My cell phone is already turned off. My home phone will be turned off,too. But that's okay, because God has brought us through worse, and He'll bring us through again. I just need to have faith that God will provide me a good job, bring my future husband back to us soon, and allow both of us to be the Godly people he intended us to be.
Oh,please,Lord let this be so. Please?
Well, I'm still feeling a bit more positive.

Adoption...?

Okay, fo the record, I'm not adopted. My craziness is due to my own birthfamily. DNA...and all that jazz.

NO, that's not why I'm really writing this. For some reason, I can't help but think that I want more kids. It seems as though everywhere I turn(on my radio dial,that is) all I hear about is adoption. How Christian families are doing it, how they are loving it, how it helped the family extend without having to extend the mama's stretch marks(Amen!).

I want more kids, and it seems as though the need for his keeps growing stronger the more Ilisten to Chritian radio. Either God is trying to tell me something, or I need to stop listening to Christian Radio.

I've invisioned myself having more chidren. Being a stay-at-home mom, having 10+kids(whether by birth or adoption), having a loving,God-fearing husband who wants nothing mor for me than to stay at home and educate our children, all while taking care of the house and taking some college courses for fun.

Well, three kids, a (possibly)deported fiance and a boyfriend who is too into himself to think much about starting a family(or even marriage), a tubal litigation, and me wondering if I'll ever even finish a sentence,much less a degree-later, I all of a sudden want more children.

What is wrong with me? I'm not sure. I feel like I'm not being the mom I know I can be due to financial restrains, and support to the three children I already have. Having more children just wasn't an apotion for me two years ago, after having my third child and wondering what the hell I was getting myself into. My fiance was arrested, and we knew he was facing deportation. He wasn't a completely honest man to me, but I imagined for so long that it was him that was going to help me reach my dream. He was Catholic, but that could be easily changed. I had everything for us planned to the very smallest detail. And it looks as though God has pulled him back to his native country. Go figure.

I'm no here to grip about who failed at making my dreams come completely true. As the saying from a a cheerleader movie goes- "You can point the finger, but you'll have thee more pointing back at you". Here ye, here ye.

It's just...I don't know. I'm really not at a place myself to have more children. I need to get my finances in order, finish college to at least get a Bach.'s, and move somewhere bigger. But then again, these things are needed for the children I already bought into the world. *SIGH*

But, I've always loved children, in large groups. I love the big family setting, the structure that the mother has over their schooling, the way she glows with a deep love for her children, and the fact that she cannot be more happy than being surrounded by her childen, all day, everyday.
The great need for her, her deep faith in God.

I want more children, I want mor sooo bad. I feel God has put this on my heart for a reason. Mostly because He knows I can't have then until I become this woman that I desire to be-even if the strong, God-fearing husband isn't by my side. I want to show my children the love and encouragement they deserve, the mother that they need. Is that so wrong?

I just did something I probably shouldn't have. I looked into what it takes to be an adoptive parent. *TEAR AT MY HEART GOD, WHY DON'T YOU???*

I used to say that God hs really blessed me with 10 children- my own(3), my sisters(5) and my aunt's(2). But, because I'm looking for full-time work, and working mostly on the weekends at this point, I haven't been in touch with them like I should be. I haven't held a good old fashioned sleepover in such a long time, it hurts me. I know that unless something changes in me, it's just going to be a longing in my heart that won't really happen.

I know I'm just not at a place to have more children, at least not for the next couple of years. Unless, of course I meet the man of my dreams, become rich, and buy my own house(yeah,right-not happening anytime soon!) .

It pains me to be in this spot of help so young, when I should be starting this instead of going backwards to get close enough to thinking about it.

Regardless, I just can't have kids right now. As much as I would like to, I can't.

Thank God that I have my three,beautiful, energetic children. Healthy and taking up most of my time. Making me strive to be a better woman. Strving to be a more Chirst-like example. Trying to be the best mom I can be, despite my circumstances.

Thank God For my three little Angels from Above.
Mama J

Tommorrow, Sunny.

I just had to write something, praising God that He managed to provide me with the words to say, and for softening my Landlord's heart.
I wrote yesterday, and I was sooo depressed. I felt hopeless. I don't have a steady job. I was getting evicted. My guy friend wasn't helping. I felt awful. Here I was, trying to do better for me and my three kids, and here I ws making life worse for all of us.
I finally had the guts to go over and talk to my landlord. I won't lie- I cried because of the though of how am I going to keep a roof over my kids heads? I told her that I would have the money to her by tommorrow. And the remaining money, I'd have to her by the end of May. She told me that I needed to do a full 360, and clean up my act. I have to do better. She told me as long as I keep up my end of this, she'll let me stay. Praise GOD!!!
Then, I went to the pool place. Suprizingly, they are still hiring. I went, talked to the guy, and he agreed to give me an interview despite the fact that I didn't call or speak to him a week after the fact that he called me for an interview. I have one tommorrow at 9:30. Thank you, Jesus!
I'm over here, again, at career link. I came in and spoke with Gary, my employment manager. He's always been the one to make me cry, and in a good way. It's like he sees what I don't want to admit to. Anyways, he was happy for me that God was able to provide a way for all this.
So, yesterday, my outlook looked cloudy, bad. But as I managed to check my e-mail, I couldn't help notice the forcast for tommorrow. I couldn't help but say, Thank you, God for making a way, and showing me that you have your hands in everything that I do.
The forcast read- tommorrow, sunny. Yeah, it probably will say that for some time(after all, it is Spring!) but it just seemed so appropriate for today about my outlook.
Tommorrow-sunny. huh. Thank you, God!!!

Am I doing what I can...?

Today, I'm not doing what I could, or should do in order to see where and how I'm going to keep my family in our current home or move us to another place.
I'm scared out of my mind, and I'm not sure. I'm in a panic. I'm angry, confused, and frustated. YEP.
I'm at the career link center, and I'm wondering if I should even be here. I should be at home, packing up stuff. Freaking out beyond measure. Calling landlords to see who will take me in.
Except, here I am, writting about it instead of doing something.
How could I let this happen? My kids and I might actually have to go to a shelter- *gasp* a freaking shelter?!?!
I told myself I would never go back to that again-going to a shelter. Only here I am now, seeing that as my only option.
I hate myself for allowing my family to have to go through this-we're going to have to leave everything, pack only the needs, and go into the night, going to all places-a shelter.
I don't want to think that I'm too good for a shelter-I'm not, I've been in one before. Except now, I have three kids(and I"m no longer pregnant) and a stupid boyfriend who can't get a job or a place of his own.
I want to be faithful to God, I really do, except now I'm thinking-I trust you to have your hands in this, and you make me consider a shelter as a place to live???What kind of faith is that???
Okay, so I...Start trying to do the right thing(believe in God), do as much as I think I can do to stay in my apartment, leave my stupid boyfriend, try to get a job that I'll enjoy(take the job only to find out that I need insurance-thus why I'm at career link) only to have no answer about the insurance, no confirmed place to stay, and the job slipping through my hands as we speak?
I want to think about the Bible man, Job, who lost everything-his family,his livestock, his skin, and that normally gets me through things like this.
But it seems as though the closer I attempt at getting to God, the more crap I'm dealt with. What kind of crap is that?
I want to have wishful thinking-I want to believe that God has a plan in my life,and that He will provide me a way to overcome this.
But with each hour passing, my options are to take a job that I don't really want, live in a place that I vowed never toreturn to, and cry my eyes out about the current situation???
What am I doing wrong? What did I do that allowed my family to get to this low?
I want to blame God, I want to point the finger at Him, but I know all this is of my own fault. I should've paid my rent when I had the chance. I should've just paid my insurance when i had the chance, instead of wasting the money on who knows what(fast food,probably). But yet here I am, clinging to the only things i can at this moment-my family and God.
I'm getting ready to lose everything, and I'm not sure how I'll cope with this all.
I feel the strong need to cry.
WAHHHH!!!!!!!!!
(not so) Wise Mama

Life as it unfolds..part 1

Okay, so today, I'm supposed to be lookng for a home Because, technically I'm homeless.
This morning, I debated for some time if I should even go to career link. Something was compelling me to go, despite the factthat I already have a job and I really no longer need to be there. Not to mention I can't really look or a job when I don't even know where my family will be at next week. Not that I need to look, but whatever.
So, here I am, dreading going to this job search class, when I see this familiar face. There's this woman who I started chatting up the first day of the program. She has a degree in Social work, and she was here? But shewas super-sweet,and has kids and despite the fact that she's over a foot taller than me, and looks like at an moment she'll be compelled to kik my ass, I talk to her.
So, today, I walked right over to her, and instantly notied something differntabout her. Mind you, I gave her a ride to her kids daycare, and I didn't even know her name, but I felt I knew her well enough to know something was wrong.
Out of nowhere, she tells me that she's in a very abusive relationship, and she's scared. She needed to get out of where she was living, and she needed o get out of there now. Of course, I pushed my moment to complain aside, and did what I could to help her. I offered to help her go to the crisis center, and help her get her things. She was soo thankful... I couldn't imagine me doing something as simple as offering a ride would be so benefical. I prayed that her boyfriend woudn't be home so that we would't have to deal with him as she got her things. I prayed for her while driving her to the crisis center, and helped her unload her things. She couldn't stop thanking me....
And here I was, debating if I should go to career link or not this morning, so concerned about my own crap that I failed to realize that there are people out thre who have it much worse than I do!
I had to say, thank you God after all that.
Well, I still am not sure of where I'll be living after Friday, but God has a plan for me, even if I don't.
I'm stupid. Iprayeed about thi situation awhile ago, and I heard God say, "Go." But me, I'm thinking, "Go(to move) or Go(away from this pulpit,you fool I have it all figured out)?"
Sure I cried about this for some time. I wasnt sure, and now I'm practicall being pushed out by my landlord. I have my babies to thik about, what am I going to do?
And then my guy-friend(or whatever yo want to call him). He has no pace to live,either. Well, tha's not entirely my problem. Not completely. Anyways, I told him he could stay with me until Friday. He wants to get a place together, but I'm not sure. I know him, I know his circumstances, and I know that he's not at the point where he sees a need to change himself.
Mind you, he broke a window in my house, he keeps saying that I owe him money(rent,etc.) and he doesn't see the need to marry me. So, yeah, I need to leave him. But I also need him to help me move....I'm not sure of what to do,exactly. I knowthe moreI involve him in this, the more he'll be more likely to stay, and...Oh, hell. I shouldn't be debating this. I should just tell him togo and never come back. My dad and my ant volunteered to help me move, but my dad is gong to get another back surgery son and my aunt has constant problems with...everything. So, do I really want them helping m move? Not really. He's going to help me move, and....I don't know. I have so many thingsI ave todo, and none of them are getting accomplished. But, I know GOd has His hand in all of this, and GOd will make a way for me, even when I dont see a way to make it myself. I just need to keep to the belief that I trust God to help me through this, and I'm leaning on him instead of myself.
Well, I keep you informed at a later time.
Wise Mama