Adoption...?

Okay, fo the record, I'm not adopted. My craziness is due to my own birthfamily. DNA...and all that jazz.

NO, that's not why I'm really writing this. For some reason, I can't help but think that I want more kids. It seems as though everywhere I turn(on my radio dial,that is) all I hear about is adoption. How Christian families are doing it, how they are loving it, how it helped the family extend without having to extend the mama's stretch marks(Amen!).

I want more kids, and it seems as though the need for his keeps growing stronger the more Ilisten to Chritian radio. Either God is trying to tell me something, or I need to stop listening to Christian Radio.

I've invisioned myself having more chidren. Being a stay-at-home mom, having 10+kids(whether by birth or adoption), having a loving,God-fearing husband who wants nothing mor for me than to stay at home and educate our children, all while taking care of the house and taking some college courses for fun.

Well, three kids, a (possibly)deported fiance and a boyfriend who is too into himself to think much about starting a family(or even marriage), a tubal litigation, and me wondering if I'll ever even finish a sentence,much less a degree-later, I all of a sudden want more children.

What is wrong with me? I'm not sure. I feel like I'm not being the mom I know I can be due to financial restrains, and support to the three children I already have. Having more children just wasn't an apotion for me two years ago, after having my third child and wondering what the hell I was getting myself into. My fiance was arrested, and we knew he was facing deportation. He wasn't a completely honest man to me, but I imagined for so long that it was him that was going to help me reach my dream. He was Catholic, but that could be easily changed. I had everything for us planned to the very smallest detail. And it looks as though God has pulled him back to his native country. Go figure.

I'm no here to grip about who failed at making my dreams come completely true. As the saying from a a cheerleader movie goes- "You can point the finger, but you'll have thee more pointing back at you". Here ye, here ye.

It's just...I don't know. I'm really not at a place myself to have more children. I need to get my finances in order, finish college to at least get a Bach.'s, and move somewhere bigger. But then again, these things are needed for the children I already bought into the world. *SIGH*

But, I've always loved children, in large groups. I love the big family setting, the structure that the mother has over their schooling, the way she glows with a deep love for her children, and the fact that she cannot be more happy than being surrounded by her childen, all day, everyday.
The great need for her, her deep faith in God.

I want more children, I want mor sooo bad. I feel God has put this on my heart for a reason. Mostly because He knows I can't have then until I become this woman that I desire to be-even if the strong, God-fearing husband isn't by my side. I want to show my children the love and encouragement they deserve, the mother that they need. Is that so wrong?

I just did something I probably shouldn't have. I looked into what it takes to be an adoptive parent. *TEAR AT MY HEART GOD, WHY DON'T YOU???*

I used to say that God hs really blessed me with 10 children- my own(3), my sisters(5) and my aunt's(2). But, because I'm looking for full-time work, and working mostly on the weekends at this point, I haven't been in touch with them like I should be. I haven't held a good old fashioned sleepover in such a long time, it hurts me. I know that unless something changes in me, it's just going to be a longing in my heart that won't really happen.

I know I'm just not at a place to have more children, at least not for the next couple of years. Unless, of course I meet the man of my dreams, become rich, and buy my own house(yeah,right-not happening anytime soon!) .

It pains me to be in this spot of help so young, when I should be starting this instead of going backwards to get close enough to thinking about it.

Regardless, I just can't have kids right now. As much as I would like to, I can't.

Thank God that I have my three,beautiful, energetic children. Healthy and taking up most of my time. Making me strive to be a better woman. Strving to be a more Chirst-like example. Trying to be the best mom I can be, despite my circumstances.

Thank God For my three little Angels from Above.
Mama J