Pissed...very,very pissed...

I just got one bad thing after another happening right now. I am very,very pissed about the turn of events. As much as I've tried to ignore it, as much as I've tried to pray and focus on the future things...there's no denying it now...it's hit me full force, I'm overwhelmed, and I'm not hearing anything from what I thought was God. What gives?
Okay, so I'm really upset right now. Really upset. I've done something I knew I shouldn't have, and now I'm not feeling guilty or sad about it...I really thought I would. But, I don't feel anything right now. Except angry.
Last night, I allowed myself to go into "my fleshy desires". I caved into doing cyber sex, and contacting the bunny ranch. And I thought something inside me would say or feel bad, say, "STOP!!!" but all I felt was calmness. Isn't that weird? I felt calm in the midst of doing something bad.
You know what? Right now, I'm mad at God. I'm really mad at God. He sees my children, and all they want to do. And I've prayed and prayed for so long for Him to bless them. Not just with food and clothing this apartment..but with a house, financial stability. In return, we are BARELY staying alive. I stopped eating breakfast on the weekdays, and some weekends, so that we have enough breakfast foods to last the whole week. We stopped eating snacks in the morning, and I've stopped giving sides for lunch. It's that bad..
I know I should be thankful for the little we have..but I"m mad. I've read my Bible too much, taught my children God's ways for too long, and prayed too hard for this little yield. I'm investing all this stuff, and it's like, God just keeps us alive to do it all over again. Barely living. What kind of life is that?!
I'm losing my faith...I'm losing my trust in God. And it hurts. The one person that can do anything isn't doing anything for my family. He's not blessing us like he blessed those stupid televanglist say he does on tv. He's blessing them, and he's not blessing us. Why? I'm not trying to bes selfish...really, I'm not. Everything that I'm asking for is to do His "purpose" for my life and the lives of my children. I want so badly to be a SAHM. I want soo badly to homeschool my kids, and have all the supplies needed to do so. I want a farm, a husband, to move to Idaho. I'd tithe. I'd be a part of the church. I'd show my children of God's love the best way I can. I'd be a damn good wife. I don't want all this for my own benefit...I want to use what God blesses me with to glorify him. Even the car I'm praying for...I even planned on using it to drive people to church and the elderly to their errands...honest. I don't want a car simply for my own families benefit. I want to use to volunteer at an animal shelter, to bring people to church, to minister the best way I can to the elderly. The farm, I'd use to teach my children responsibility, to homeschool them in they ways of Christ, and to be more self-sufficient. Also, it would open the door for us to do another form of ministry- adoption. I'd love nothing more to open up our home to a hurting child that's been tossed aside in the adoption/foster care system. To point them to God.My husband...I'd encourage him in God, and vice versa. I would fufill my wifely duties, cook,clean, and be the best wife I can be, as God has said in His word to do. Even me going to college for communications has a purpose...so that I can write inspirational books and comics to point people to God.
Everything I desire has a purpose in some way that points to God.
And yet, I'm not seeing anything from God. Nothing that says, "i see you...I want to bless you."
Nothing. Aside from the breath of life, which I"m grateful for, I know He could bless us with more. Much more. Look at the people who don't acknowledge Him as their lord and savior..they're the ones getting the million dollars, the blessings9whether they be from God or not), they're the ones who needs are all met. It makes me sick, and it also makes me angry.
How is it that these people get the blessings, and here I am, trying soo hard to receive, to be in the place to get my blessing, and all I see are empty hands?! Why should I ahve to drag my kids outside to far distances, to take the bus, when back when I wasn't even acknowledging God, had a car and a semi-decent job?! I feel like I'm being made a fool for God. I also feel like I'm doing all this for nothing. All this hoping and dreaming...for nothing.
I've applied at schools online. Twice. Both times, I felt like it was God's purpose, for me to finsh college. I used hard-earned tax return money to pay off the one college. Only to not get the process rolling. Every time I apply, I'm selected for verification. ANd everytime I do that, complete the paperwork, and think I'm finally going to reap the benefits of getting a degree and the financial aid to pay for things until I finish my degree....I get slapped in the face with mroe obstacles. More lost paperwork. More time being wasted for nothing.
I"m babysitting. I thought that was going to be such a blessing for our family, considering the time frame that I got the job. But, all it is barely making us able to live. I then got a call about being able to babysit during the wekends. I was so thrilled- I thought, God's finally listening! Only for the job to not happen every weekend. I've sat at home, on weekends, waiting, when I could've done something else, only for a no-show. Only 3 x's have I received the job. IT upsets me.
I've doing survey's online. At first, I thought...finally! a chance to earn more income! Only for the survey's not being able to load on my computer, and when they do, I'm not eligible for them.
Every time I attempt something that I think to myself..."finally, God's blessing us!" I get sidestepped and trampled on in my effort.
So, I'm doing this. I'm demanding God bless me with a millon dollars by the end of this month. If he doesn't, then I will no longer be held accountable to Him. I will no longer allwo myself to follow what He' s telling me. I even said that I might go and join the bunny ranch...if they take me, that is. I'll also consider doing phone sex for pay. I really don't want to go down that road...but what else am I going to do? If I go and try to work, all I'll get is a minimum wage job, with stupid people and hours that I can't work because of lack of daycare.
I can't go to traditional college, because all but one of them I owe money to. The one I could go for absolutely free, my parents won't agree to do the paperwork for me to go.
I can't go and move to IDaho, because I don't have the money to do so. Because...guess what? God told me to go, but didn't provide the money for me to do so.
I need to lay down...I'm so mad and angry and...not liking the way things are going right now. My life is supposed to be a testament of God's endless love for our family...and instead, it's being made into a laughing stock. My family is shaking theri heads at me, and what am I to say or do? I'm not doing what they want me to do, I'm trying os hard to follow what I believe is God's voice...and I'm being made a fool, my kids are dragged further and further int o poverty, and the rich are still being made richer. What gives?!
I can't keep doing this. GOd, if You hear me...this is the last straw. I didn't leave the ways of old to go into Your ways and be made a fool of in the process! I demand a millon dollars by the end of this month!!! I promise not to spend it foolishly. I will tithe $100,000 of it. I will use it to glorify you're name. BLESS MY FAMILY WITH A MILLON DOLLARS!!!
BLESS US WITH A MILLON DOLLARS, IN JESUS' NAME!!!
I"m going to get going. I don't know what He, if "HE" exists, is planning on doing, but I know what I'm going to do if my request aren't made. I know if I don't get blessed, I know that will mean total withdrawl from God. No more prayers, Bible readings, or listening. NO more pretending everything is okay when it's not. NO more waiting around for God to bless us.
God, if you're reading this, you know all that I'm capable of. You see my heart, adn you know all that I want to do to bring glory and my family to You. Don't allow this to happen, please? don't allow me to withdraw...I don't want to do that. I don't want to give up on you, or the hope you have provided my family. I want this family to glorify you in everything. BLESS US WITH A MILLON DOLLARS!!!
I"m going to go now. I leave it all until the end of the month.
After that....I don't know what I'm going to do.
But I know it will mean changes. Changes that I don't want to make. But changes, if my hand is forced, I must make.
please don't let this happen, Lord. Please don't allow this trajedy to come upon my family. bless us!!
I have to go now.
Will God answer this demanding prayer? Only God knows the answer to that...