random thoughts...

today, I'm supposed to be cleaning and packing. After finally cleaning my room well enought to see the floor and my bed, I gave it a rest(not what I was supposed to do.)I ate breakfast while my children ate lunch, I have yet to shower...and I can't stop checking my e-mail and facebook page. Oh, yes, today has been very exciting..(NOT!!).
I feel like I should be doing more than what I'm doing now..but what? School?(duh!)...did my survey's(at least something got accomplished!)...got blessed with a check from paypal(THANK YOU, GOD!!! $18.75!! GLORY TO GOD!!)...managed to feed my children breakfast and lunch in a timely manner...did my prayer and Bible devotion...hmmm...what else?
I have just come to the conclusion that I don't like living here. Okay, so technically, I've known that already. But...I guess it just dawned on me that I'm not completely comfortable here. I thought I was, but really, I'm not. As of these past few months(and possibly longer, I'm not really going to think long on this..)everytime a car goes by, or I hear voices of people walking past the house, I kinda panic. I'm afraid that someone might try to come over..or worse, my landlord will knock on my door...and ask me stuff. I strongly dislike when that happens.
I don't know..I'm getting nervous just thinking about it...change in subject...
Okay, so...I found a friend on facebook. Isn't that what facebook is for(duh!), but I found someone I sort-of have been looking for. Sort-of..
it's this guy who used to ahve the hots for me. Doesn't happen often, someone having the hots for ME. Normally, it's the other way around...but he liked me...a LOT. It's also not normal for me(in my past, anyways) to not date someon/sleep with someone who had the hots for me(in the rare event that that ever DID happen...LOL). I'm not saying I want to date him, I guess I'm more or less just curious what he's done with his life thus far. Well, I guess that's to say for a lot of people I meet/try to find on facebook. Hmmm...
I'm babysitting this kid today. *sigh* A part of me really wants to tell his parent that I need more money, but another part of me is just happy to receive anything as a source of money that doesn't involve me having to listen to a man and/or sleeping with him. It may not be much, but, I have to be thankful for what God has blessed me with. Oh, the hard-earned dollar..lol
I probably check my singlesnet page too much as well. Which is funny, because I'm not even looking to date anyone...I guess it's the whole "potential" that's more appealing...like, who looked at my page? who flirted with me? who might think I'm cute? etc. etc.? Also, I've met some people there in the chats that I pray I will be able to find once I get to Idaho. And to help me unpack..LOL....
I so badly want to take the kids outside. But, my landlord sort-of yelled at me yesterday because the kids made a strip of grass vanish...in a slide-like fasshion. I'm afraid to go outside with them. Because, I don't want to have to yell at them in the even that they want to *gasp* play in the dirt. I strongly dislike not allowing my babies to go out and play int he dirt...ugh.
ON another front, I"m longing for Idaho. I'm not even sure yet as to how I"m getting there, or when exactly, but oh, how I long to just be there already. I just have a gut feeling about this...this move is going to change our family for the better. If only I could just be still and let God do His work...but I'm just soo anxious to get there already. I wish I would get some sort of large check, from publisher's clearing house, saying I've won a million dollars...so I wouldn't have to dwell on financial worries. I hate feeling like this..I feel like I deserve more, I know I deserve more, but how will I obtain it? I just got a e-mail from financial aid, telling me that I may not get my financial aid until next month, that is, if I have everything handed in and ok'd...how else am I going to earn some money? I'm taking the survey's, but, like I said, I'm not getting enough to pay fro much of anything, much less consider it a source of income. And with babysitting, I still don't amount to much.
Okay, now I'm doubting myself, and God. Why am I doing this??? I need to stop dwelling on this, and move on to something that will make me feel like I'm doing the right thing. Like...uh...like...er....
??????
I'm going to get going. The kids need to take a nap, I need to attempt to clean something(more), and I have to figure out what I'm going to do to earn money this month. *sigh*
the problems I face are draining everything out of me. When will I feel God's blessing in the way I see it happening???
Taking faith...not sure if I'm having faith in the right things, though.
I'd better go...
Jenn