I just don't know...

Today, I have received yet another e-mail saying that I need to fill out paperwork for the financial aid process. I told them the last time that if that was the last time that I fill out the form and send it to them. I'm mad, I don't even want to fill it out...and get my hopes up. It seems like someone is making my life into some sort of sick joke. Especially when it comes to money.
To top things off, this morning, as I was leaving from Solstice's bus stop, one of the mom's found $100 on the ground. And then, because she's so nice..she asked if anyone lost their money! DO you know how bad I wanted to claim that! I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs.."IT'S MINE!!!" but for whatever reason, I didn't.
Oh, yes, if God has a sense of humor, he must really be chucking it up right about now. Come, let's all laugh at Jennafer's misfortunes...hahahahahahahhahahaha!
I could just cry. I want so badly to cry. Just when I think God is blessingme with something...I get thrown bad down into cursings. Why, God, why?! I really could've used that money, too. It would've bought us a lot of food..or paid the rent..or, well, anything!!
I'm just not sure about today. I'm not really feeling this day...to start off a day like this, I just want to throw my hands up and scream, "WHY GOD, WHY?!?!"
I'm not sure if I want to attempt to fill out the form for financial aid. I'm not sure of what I'm going to do anymore. Just when I think I have all the plans in order...things are going from bad to worse.
Oh, and I've cheated on my celebacy plan again. Just when I thought I would be okay, I met someone(a lady) online, and I thought I we were relating about how much life sucks, only for her to start talking dirty to me...ugh. I didn't even want to do it, but then I got into it, and...i masterbated. I'm just going to avoid all people online(no more IM-ing,except on facebook and singlesnet, and AOL) and no more talking to people I don't know online.
I have found out..all anyone in chat rooms do is want sex...cyber sex. I can't believe how bad it's gotten since those times I used to do it so long ago. It feels like forever now, that I used to go into a chat room, and people used to actually talk. Back then, I thought it was bad when people were trying to find a boyfriend/girlfriend on those chats!! Look at how much worse it has got! yikes!!
I just can't believe it. Well, I might not be going on any of them..except for facebook and AOL(only because I know two people on there, and everyone on facebook I know). I'm sick in the stomach over it....I can't believe how much sex is in these chat rooms. ugh.
And here I am, thinking that I might go into the sex trade....
it's not that I wouldn't do it...if something doesn't happen soon, I won't have a choice...but I really don't want to. I'd like to think of myself as something more than a hole to stick a penis in. *sigh*...I just don't know waht to do anymore. I'm at a lost. I don't want to return to working a normal job, because I know it won't work out..the kids are too young, with them going to daycare and all...I'd lose hours, and with me not having welfare...I'd have to apy for their daycare. Plus, food and rent and bills...if I don't get to finish college, I'll be living here in this hellhole forever. My kids will be raised in poverty, and I'll die a poor woman, with nothing to pass onto my children but poverty. I don't want this life, God!! I want what I can see in my dreams...why can't it just happen already?!?! Why can't I be blessed beyond measure?!?!
I have to go...I'm feeling the tears in the back of my eyes returning...I don't want to cry anymore...I have to go before i do.