Flow-enza talk, for the month of April

First off, I have to type this short poem I read in a book before I forget(because it's sort of how I'm feeling)-
"Long, long be my heart with such memories filled
As the vase in which the roses have once been distilled
You may break, you may shatter the vase if you will
But the scent of roses will hang around still"
Okay. Perfect illustration of my frustrations with life right now.
I have my period. And everytime I ahve my period, it seems like the world as I formally knew it is now coming to an end. I really need to talk to a doctor about taking some anti-depressants during this time of month, because every time I have it..it's like, I really can't cope.
I started online college this week. Not with Phoenix, but with Ashford. It was all really quick, I don't know right now that it was such a good idea to start without getting all the facts yet. But, I felt like I had to do something. It's been two months since I've been blessed by God to get internet access. And Phoenix was messing me up big time- I should have at least 2 classes under my belt by now, and here I'm just starting. I could've started sooner, but I was afraid, and I didn't want to start only to have what happened last time..they bill me and I don't get any financial aid. I NEED financial aid, and they were taking too long to get the ball rolling. I did everything I had to do, only to be told on their part, that THEY messed something up, and well, I was just supposed to wait by quietly until they get their ducks all lined up in a row. Sorry, but I need this..I need to get college finished ASAP, and I need financial aid NOW. So, I switched colleges, only to encounter the same problem. I'm praying to GOD that they get the paperwork and I will receive my financial aid within the next two weeks.
Okay, so the poem quote..I guess that's how I'm feeling right now. For some reason, as I'm feeling frustrated about my first week of classes, I'm putting the blame on Robert. Ok- not seeing the connection? I know. Let me explain-
Simply put, if he was here, and in his right mind, then He'd have a job, we'd be getting money in, and I wouldn't have to have all this stress on me and me alone. And even if we weren't together, if he was in his right mind, at least I'd be getting some sort of child support, which would be bringing in some sort of money, and I wouldn't have to worrry about college, and the bills, and providing foo for my family, and la-te-freakin' da...the end.
But, I know now..is that really fair? Is it fair to put this current turn of events on him? My PMS side says "YES!!" but, I know that's simply not the case. I can't think of terms of being a victium anymore, I have to think of terms being a victor. I love that saying,too.
I think that my mind is just not accecpting the fact that in order to be a victor, I have to DO something, I can't just sit here and plan and plan and plan(Although I do love to plan!) and not take action. It's a defense-mechinism I have..this planning of mine. It's what keeps me from losing my mind entirely, or focusing on how bad things really are. It's, in a sense, my way of escaping to a better, well planned, life that's not currently the one right in front of me.
But, all the planning in world isn't going to do any good without action. I've been stuck in this defense mechansim for several years. I realize it's a problem, I see what I need to do..and I've started the process...and,because of my PMS, I feel like I'm not doing enough, I"mset-up to fail, that maybe college isn't for me, and why-o-why couldn't Robert just be the man I wanted him to be, intead of a mirage of that image instead? *sigh* OF course, if I was married, I'd be a SAHM, as I am now, but I'd be more detailed(as I have everything all planned out), I'd be more able to focus more on my kids and less on myself, and I'd be able to cook and clean, and be a good little ol' wife without having the world on ym shoulders, and gosh darn it, I would be okay with it all, becaue I'd have someone to share all this with, and if problems would come our way, my dear husband would be the one beside me, I wouldn't feel as alone in my quest, and he would whisper a reassuring, "everything will be okay" in my ears when I need to hear it the most.
But, of course, I'm not in a place to be there right now. I'm not ready for marriage, I'm not mentally healthy enough to even date. But, oh, oh,oh...how lovely that would be. I want nothing more than this. Well, aside from the farm house to take care of, the animals and land to provide, and to make candles and sew clothes/quilt/crotechet...oh, how lovel that would all be!
So, yes, for a moment in today, I have panicked. In a moment of today I cried. ANd for a moment, I sort-of got mad at God because my fairy tale isn't here yet.
But, now I have to move forward,a nd now I have to try my best and be strong. I ahve to do my best in this, because I know God won't bless me with the desires of my heart if I freak out over the little things He's blessed me with now. I can't lose sight of these goals, I can't lose sight of my future. Even when the world is crashing down around me, I have to hold my ground.
I feel like crying again...*sob*
I'd better get going, I need to do SOMETHING about this schoolwork,before I fail it altogether.
Press onto what's ahead...not looking at the past....press on to what's ahead...
Jenn